Joey

Things I Forgot About A Newborn

1. Their skin is so soft. 2. They make noises that sound like a cat. 3. They are so small. I can hold them in one arm. 4. They weigh nothing. Compared to my 3 year old son, they are light as a feather. 5. They are low maintenance. Just

Waiting

I'm sitting on a blue couch in a hospital room in Palamos, Spain. My wife is wearing headphones and a hospital gown and dancing in the room, painted a light blue. Earlier today her water broke. So we came to the hospital. But so far she's had only minor contractions.

5 Things I Miss About the U.S.A.

1. Sour cream - We have creme freche but no sour scream here in Spain. When we make nachos here it's not quite the same. 2. Sloppy Joes - When my wife asked if I wanted Sloppy Joes one day I shouted, "Yes." I didn't even know I was missing

If You Had Sex at My College, You Were Expelled

I sometimes think about how strict my college was. Things you weren't allowed to do: * Drink alcohol in the dorms * Wear t-shirts or shorts to class (only a collared shirt and pants for me and skirts/dresses for women) * Curfew - had to be inside your dorm at 11pm on

Time Change

I really hate the time change in the spring and fall. It just sucks. Let's just agree that it's better to have more daylight at night and leave it at that. If people want to get up early they can use a flashlight. End of discussion.

Cleaning the Cat Litter

Cleaning out the cat litter is not one of my favorite things. I avoid it. Until my son started watching me do it. When I bring up a scoop of poop, I say, "Poop!" and he thinks it's hilarious. I bring up a clump of pee and I say, "Pee!

Our Fridge Is Beeping Nonstop

Our fridge has defeated me. Many times a day, for no apparent reason, it beeps incessantly for hours. It's the same beep that tells you the door is open, but the door is not open. We even defrosted the fridge for three days and restarted it. It was better for

Cold Cold Cold

Do you ever get one of those nasty colds that just take all the energy out of you? You're not so sick that you need to stay in bed but the minute you start doing things, like laundry, or climbing stairs, or the dishes, you think, That's too much. I'm

Food vs Sleep

When you're tired and you just want to go to bed but you're also hungry what do you do? Yes, eat a bowl of cereal in bed. Let that milk dribble down your chin as you nod off. Rest that bowl of cereal on your chest. Relax, go to sleep.

My Son Is Really Into Flying Kites

He just likes running with it flapping in the air a few feet behind him. Or watching me run with it trailing behind me. There hasn't been much wind the last few days so it's not prime kite flying weather. But there will be soon. There's always wind here.   We're

Gender Reveals Are Getting Crazy

We're going to do something simple. We're going to tear up tiny pieces of paper. Then we're going to buy a cannon and push it up to the castle at the top of the hill. We're going to put the tiny pieces of paper in the canon along with gunpowder

Don't Tell My Wife

My wife loves World War II spy dramas. (One of our favorite shows is Foyle's War about a detective chief superintendent during World War II who also later works for MI5). She also loves Paul Rudd. (Who doesn't, he is adorable). Well, I just started watching a World War II

Why Don't I Like Barbecuing Meat?

What is wrong with me? Why don't I like standing outside and putting steaks on the grill and holding a beer and tongs in my hands and looking a tough dude who likes beef and fire. Yeah, fire. Yeah, beef. What's wrong with me? I'd rather be inside making a

The Fire Dude

The Begur film festival is happening now, and today we had the pleasure of again seeing my father-in-law's short documentary about Begur. It's a fascinating oral history of the lives of the people of Begur focusing on the mid-twentieth century. At one point, the town had a cork factory, as

Why Is Sparkling Water So Delicious?

I strongly prefer sparkling water to still water. Especially in Spain. Still water is just so boring. I want to say to still water: "Get a personality or something. Liven up. You're letting yourself go. You need to spice it up to keep things interesting." Sure, still water has its

Don't Sit Down

You know after you've had dinner and put your son to bed and you still have dishes to do but you're tired? And you think, I'll just sit down for a few minutes and rest before I clean up. Don't do it. Because after you sit down, you'll think, I

Gentleman Thief

I'm trying to figure out some career moves if this whole writing thing doesn't work out, and "Gentleman Thief" is a top option. I've thought about "Cat Burglar" and that sounds fun too, but "Gentleman Thief" sounds more glamorous. I think my main hesitation is that I don't have enough

I Used to Pray Every Day

Sometimes I think about how I used to pray everyday. I desperately wanted to connect to God and so I prayed. It was all very one-sided. I never got a response. Kind of rude, actually. What kind of bullshit is that? At least a "Hey," would have been nice in

Instagram Scroll

Some days I just scroll Instagram. Then I hate myself. I just wasted ten minutes and I feel empty inside, I think. I should have done pushups instead. Or run around the yard. Or juggled. Or meditated. Or listened to a book. Or banged my head against the wall. Anything,

Am I Sick?

I'm not sure. Yes, my son was been coughing into my face, and specifically my mouth, for the past five days, but who knows, maybe I'm just feeling sad. That's why I'm so out of it.   Yes, my son has been coughing on my food and using my fork. Yes,

Renewing Our Residency Cards

Yesterday we went to Girona to renew our residency cards so we can stay in Spain for another two years. In general, all of our interactions with the officers at the police station where we submit the paperwork and get our fingerprints have been positive, friendly, and efficient. Except yesterday

The Time a Bat Almost Killed Me

One night our cat Hammy brought a bat into our house. I was coming down the stairs when I saw him playing with the bat on the ground. "Hammy," I shouted. "No, no." Hammy picked up the bat in his mouth as if to say, "Look what I brought you?

How Math Works

The likelihood of your child waking up sick or just because they aren't sleeping well increases exponentially the more you stay up past your bedtime and scroll through Instagram. Which is why I recommend going to bed as early as possible. In fact, just to be sure, I like to

I Made Huge Mistake Driving Today

We drove to Palamos today to eat lunch at a Thai restaurant and also look for some new clothes for my son who is growing rapidly every day. But I did a bad thing. I drove through a restricted residential area of the city. You get a fine if you

How Long Can I Wear My Cashmere Pajamas Today?

I wanted to see how long I could get away with wearing my cashmere pajamas today. I stayed home all morning, so it wasn't too hard to wear them. Was it okay to wear my cashmere pajamas to lunch? I soon found out. I did get a couple stares. People

My Wife and I Have Very Different Ideal Sleeping Temperatures

We have about a 20 degree difference in our ideal sleeping temperatures. I like the temperature around 75 degrees. She likes a cool 55 degrees. We compromised and keep the room about 58 degrees. I sleep in cashmere pajamas, a wool hat, and thick socks. I mean, those are my

Why Is Writing So Hard?

I mean, it's just words. I use words all the time--well, some of the time, I don't like to talk that much. But seriously, I know enough words. I don't know all the words but I know enough to write something. Why when I sit down in front of my

The Hardest Thing We Have Done in Spain

Buying lunch tickets for my son's preschool. Yep. Harder than renewing our residency card. Harder than finding a house. Harder than increasing the potencia in our house. To buy my son lunch tickets, first, we had to find a barcode unique to his school. Where was the barcode? Buried deep

Pirate Festival

We went to a Pirates and Corsairs festival yesterday in a seaside town called L'Estartit. There was a pirate ship, a children's band, food stalls, and plenty of kids and adults dressed as pirates. My son is very into pirates. At the festival, we bought him a pirate hat and

Leaving My Son

Sometimes I get a little sad when I have to leave my son. Either at school or with a babysitter. Does anyone else find that true, that it's hard to leave my son? I thought so. He's pretty fun. I worry about him when he's not in my sight and

Horses & Ponies

My son likes to ride ponies and so we take him to the local Hípica every so often. Or he gets to ride at birthday parties or other festivals. I never rode a pony when I was a boy. I've never ridden a horse. I just don't like the flies.

Looking Out for My Face

During the pandemic I didn't store up on canned foods or toilet paper or anything really useful like that. Instead for some reason I had an urgent need to buy toiletries. Mainly, facial moisturizer. Whenever I bought hand soap or sanitizer I'd add on a facial moisturizer. You know, just

Corduroy Weather

The temperature has dropped below 65 degrees Fahrenheit (18 degrees Celsius). We all know what this means. Okay, I know what this means. Time to get out those corduroy pants. There is a very slight chill in the morning air. Get out those cords. The sun is setting earlier. Get

I Missed a Super Important Appointment

Yesterday was an important day. I had an appointment to get my fingerprints taken at the regional police station  to renew my residency card in Spain. This is the card that gives me permission to live here. At breakfast I looked at the email to check the time of the

Cat Trapped

Our family came down with colds over the weekend. Our symptoms aren't so bad except that I have zero energy. I've been staring at my computer screen for about an hour. I eat some chocolate and stare some more. We have more boxes to unpack that have been sitting for

We Can Use Hot Water and Oven at Same Time

Since moving into our new house, we've been struggling with our potencia. The potencia refers to our "contracted power" which is the maximum amount of electricity we can use at any one time. Until now, if we wanted to use the washer or the oven we'd have to unplug the

I Had a Great Idea for a Post But Now It's Gone

So you'll just have to sit with me for a moment while I drink this Widow Jane bourbon on the rocks. I'm waiting for the idea to come back. It's 3:30am and my wife and son are upstairs with bad colds. I also have cold but this Widow Jane

Questions My Son Has about the Forthcoming Baby

My son wants to know some things: 1. Where will the baby sleep? 2. Does the baby need an umbrella? 3. Can I bring the baby to my school? 4. Is the baby my baby? 5. Does the baby need shoes? 6. Will it cost 20,000 dollars to have

What Is the Point of Life?

This is the type of question my brain asks when I wake up in the morning, still groggy, sleepy. "What am I doing here?" my brain asks again. "What's the point of anything?" "I don't know," I say. "I'm just trying to wake up. Those are big questions." "Yeaah, I

Hide & Seek

I have a breakfast of fiber cereal, yogurt, and a glass of water. I pack a snack for my son's school (they provide lunch). I do the dishes. I sit and binge watch Emily in Paris. In Spanish, course. I have lunch. I do some laundry. I pick up my

My Son Is Smarter Than Me

My son is speaking a mix of English, Catalan, and Spanish. I can understand some of the words but not all of them. I don't speak Catalan and I'm learning Spanish. Sometimes he asks how to say a certain word in Spanish. If I know, I tell him. "Sure, sure,

I've Been Eating Too Much Gelato

I think I overdid it on the gelato this summer. It's just that our favorite gelato place, L’Enxaneta, closes for the fall/winter/spring, and so I feel a need to eat there as much as possible before I have to refrain from gelato for seven months. But I

Abuelo

The lighting on my Zoom calls is either unflattering or sadly accurate. On my Zoom calls, I can only stare at the dark circles under my eyes. My face reminds of a cadaver. Did I die and is all eternity going to be spent on Zoom? Is this purgatory? Or

Inverse Energies

Sometimes the energies for my son and I align but often the more energy my son has the less energy I have. Curiously, his energy seems to increase right around bedtime. Not always-- sometimes he knows he absolutely knows he needs to go to sleep and will take himself upstairs--but

Sunscreen

I slather my face in sunscreen. Don't want to get burned. Don't want skin cancer. When I try to put it on my son he screams and runs away, but he is whiter than me. He needs it. "Come here," I say, my hands smeared with sunscreen. "It's good for

My Allergies Are Killing Me

My eyes are burning. My nose dripping. My head pounding. My feet tapping. My arms swinging. My hips swaying. Okay, maybe all of those aren't caused by allergies, but I'm not a medical professional. The point is, something is wrong. And I'm not enjoying it. The only solution, apart from

Beach Time

One of the great things about living in Spain close to the beach is that on a random Tuesday afternoon we can go for a swim. Just because we feel like it. We can float in the cool water when it's hot and humid outside. We can sit at a

Use Your Time Wisely

My wife took my son to my in-laws house. "Each minute is a gift," I told myself. "Don't throw it away." So I sat on the couch on and looked at videos on Instagram. I yelled at myself. "What the hell are you doing, man? Do something that will add

We've Had Some Really Amazing Peaches this Summer I Just Want to Tell You

The peaches that we've been eating in our small town in Spain have been really good. Juicy, full of flavor, and the right amount of sweetness. I'm impressed. I recommend peaches now wherever I go out around town. "You want a peach?" I say. "Here take this one. Bite into

I Am a Seadragon

When we visited the aquarium in Lisbon this past weekend we saw some amazing seadragons. I really related to them. "Seadragons are fish of unusual beauty," the description read. "They are extremely well camouflaged for their seaweed habitat." I mean, that's me. Especially the first part. As if this wasn't

Oh Exercise

Why don't I like doing pushups? I mean, seriously, what's wrong with me? I just want to love working out. So I get ripped. So I get a six pack. So I am super strong and healthy. So I get rid of my belly pouch. C'mon, Joey. C'mon. Put down

Hugs

Before I became a parent, I never anticipated how nice a hug from my son would feel. Especially when it's unprompted. Especially when he hugs me and says, "I love you,papa." "Really," I say, shocked. "Me?" Then I say: "I love you too." "I love you too," he says.

Nothing Like a Hotel Pool with Underwater Speakers

Hotel pools are usually great on their own. But a hotel pool with underwater speakers, golden. I hate when I'm swimming and go underwater and miss some of the lyrics or God forbid the chorus. No, I won't stand for it. I demand music availability at all times. Anything less

My Belly

I was packing for a trip today and trying on some clothes when I realized that I need to admit to myself that I've put on some weight that won't magically disappear. I blame the pandemic but it might also have something to do with chocolate pudding, crema Catalan, and

Trash Run Fun

My son was tired and cranky this afternoon and so was I so we went on a walk to take the trash to the dumpsters. We have trash pick up at our house but sometimes we have too much and just need to get rid of the extras. So we

My Son Is Already Criticizing My Driving

"You're going too slow," he said. "All the cars are passing us." It was true. I was going slow. Namely because I've been getting a lot of speeding tickets and traffic violations. I don't want my license suspended. We passed one car going even slower. "Yay, we are the fastest,

My Son Is Off School this Week

His summer school ended last week. His new school is starting next Monday. So we have the whole week together. We're going to have a great time. We're going to do laundry, clean out the shed, mop the floors, wash the car, Marie Kondo his bedroom, give away things we

My Son Starting Telling Me Secrets

Yesterday he motioned for me to lean down close to his mouth. He whispered something into my ear. Something about a dragon. He's really into dragons this week. "Oh my God," I said. "That's crazy. I can't believe it. I'll be sure to keep that a secret." He laughed. I

Live Laugh Love

I see this written on a lot of shirts here. It's also my personal motto. I like to do all three at once but that's not always possible. Somedays I can only live. Somedays only love. Somedays I do nothing but laugh. My wife asks what we are having for

I Love a Bidet

When I first traveled to France when I was seventeen and saw a bidet, I was frightened. "How does it work? What is it for? Wait, you're supposed to sit on that and spray water at your butt? Is it optional? Wait, you want to watch me while I do

How to Sit Still and Move At Same Time

If you ever wanted to know how to sit on a lap but also be in constant motion, my son is giving lessons. He wants all the comfort and closeness of a human seat but also all the advantages of moving around. He treats my lap like a treadmill. "Where

For Lunch I'm Eating Chips and Cheese Dip

I had a chocolate ice cream popsicle for breakfast this morning and now for lunch I'm eating chips and queso. But don't worry, I just did five pushups and I also stretched out my back which was super tight. I'm also thinking about eating an apple. I might have some

It All Started with Meatballs

Last night I was like, "Hmm, you know what sounds good? Meatballs and gravy and mashed potatoes." Maybe I was missing Ikea. They do have Ikeas in Spain but the closest one is over an hour away. So I went with my son to our local butcher Jordi. My son

My Son Demands Cake When He Wakes Up

My son likes to wake up in the morning and instead of saying "Good morning," or "Hello," or "How'd you sleep?" he likes to make proclamations like, "I want to eat cake!" or "I want a popsicle!" or "Take me downstairs!" While we do ask him to rephrase his demands

I Need Money. I Need It Fast.

Maybe I shouldn't have quit my job when we moved to Spain. Maybe on my last day at the office I shouldn't have thrown my phone at the glass partition window and when the glass only slightly cracked maybe I shouldn't have thrown my computer monitor at the glass and

My Wife Is Trimming My Ear Hairs

And she seems super excited about it. You know you've reached a fun age and point in your relationship when this happens. Maybe she just enjoys holding a sharp pair of scissors close to head. Or maybe she missed her calling as a hairdresser. "Thanks babe," I say. "And don't

I've Been Replaced by a Pregnancy Pillow

There's no need for my wife and I to sleep in the same bed. With the long pregnancy pillow, there's not even room. She's already drawn a face on her pregnancy pillow and glued some hair to make a little beard. She calls him P.P. and doesn't even talk

I Fixed Something Again

By fixed, I mean I Googled the problem into I realized that our Nespresso machine was stuck in the cleaning setting. So I reset. Yep, I'm sort of a handyman genius. My wife will no doubt make me a special dinner. My son will say, "Good job, papa!" The town

I Dropped a Glass Bowl and It Broke in a Million Pieces

It went everywhere. Into the kitchen. Across the dining room floor. Into the living room. Into the bathroom. Onto my feet. Into my flip-flops. Upstairs. Into our bed. On my toothbrush. Don't know how that happened. I'm still picking the shards out of my teeth. Points is, don't drop glass

Murderer

I hate ants in my home. So if I see them, I, like many others, kill them. Yet I feel bad for killing them. I make up little stories in my head about these ants. These two ants on the kitchen floor are a power couple named Andy and Tiffany

My Son Is Demanding We Buy Him a Sword

He wants a real sword. Not a stick fashioned to look like a sword. Not a pretend sword. Not some cardboard cutout of a sword. A real sword, damnit.   What does he want with it? He wants to be a pirate. "You're going to need a ship too," I tell

I Go Back and Forth about Exclamation Points

I sometimes debate whether to use exclamation points in my texting. Sometimes I feel like I need to add a little excitement to my messages. But I don't want to give people the wrong impression about how excited I actually am. Also, to be really excited about something is its

Last Night I Put my Shorts on My Head

My son has a book about a silly turkey who doesn't know how to get dressed and puts clothing items on the wrong parts of his body. I've read this book too many times because when I was getting ready for bed last night I put my pajama shorts over

Out of Gas

I woke up this morning to the clang of metal against metal as Repsol delivery man unloaded the tall propane bottles in front of our house. "Gas is here!" my wife screamed. "Gas is here!" I screamed, awakened by my wife. "Gas is here!" my son screamed, awakened by me.

Potencia

We don't have enough power in our house. In Spain, it's called potencia and if you want to run more than two applicances at the same time, you need more of it. We thought we had enough potencia and our electric company said they had raised it, but just joking,

Pandas Don't Exist

I don't believe that pandas are real. I think they are just humans inside panda suits. The first panda was a creative costume designer who made a realistic panda suit. But then people took it seriously and thought pandas were real. It spiraled from there. Now there is secret society

Regrets about My Wedding

1. I should have worn a more exciting tie. The one I picked, with blue and orange stripes, was kind of boring. I should have been bolder. I mean, people couldn't take their eyes off me and I needed to give them something more. 2. My wife and I should

I'm a Big Fan of Inbox Zero

I like it when I don't have any emails to deal with. I use my emails as a kind of to-do list and so when my inbox is empty I feel like I've truly accomplished things. I will do anything to maintain inbox zero. I unsubscribe and block. Emails from

Bedroom Gamechanger

I've discovered that putting a pillow between my knees when I sleep is revolutionary when I'm sleeping on my side. It's so much more comfortable this way. I didn't know how awkward my knees and hips felt before. But this is incredible. My hips told me they feel more aligned

Beach Days

Floating in the Mediterranean Sea on a hot, hot day feels so good. Better than floating in the Hudson River. And better than floating in the East River. Yeah, I'm going pick the Mediterranean on that one. New York City has better musical theatre and pizza but the Costa Brava

How Hot Is It?

It's so hot that last night I had to take my sleep mask off because it was making my eyes too warm. It's so hot that the butter on our counter melted. I thought the melted butter looked like frosting so I started licking it. It's so hot that my

I Thought I Didn't Need Goals

I used to read minimalism blogs and there was one by two guys who said that you didn't need goals. They encouraged their readers to get rid of goals, just like you'd get rid of unnecessary clothes, furniture, and old papers. The amazing thing, they claimed, is that you still

Ice Emergency

There is no ice in our town in Spain. Or in the surrounding town. And it's hot. In the upper eighties and nineties. Most importantly, how do you make gin and tonics without ice? Yes, we could buy another ice cube tray and make our own ice. But for a

How I Like to Wake Up

I like it when my son climbs onto our bed and screams in my face, "I want to go downstairs for breakfast!" Preferably at 5am. Preferably after I've gone to bed at midnight. Preferably after I haven't slept well. "It's too early for breakfast," I say. He cries. "No, I

Never Leave Cereal

Cereal is somehow edible but if you leave it stuck on the floor or a chair or even bits on a bowl it somehow becomes the strongest substance on earth. You're going to be scrubbing for hours. It won't come off. Just give up. You'll need to throw out that

Shock

Our remote-controlled gate for our driveway wasn't working today so I took off the cover and tried to see what was wrong. I'm very mechanical. I just know intuitively how to fix things. I guess I'm sort of a handyman genius. I mean, those were my thoughts when I tried

Do You Ever Just Sit and Drool?

Not on purpose, I mean. But maybe you're watching an engrossing movie or reading a book or article that really gets your attention. And then you feel some saliva on your lips. And maybe you wipe it away in time. Or don't. And you look around to see if anyone

How Do You Write Fiction When You Are Emotionally Dead?

Is it possible to write stories full of feeling and create emotionally-relatable and compelling protagnists if my soul is dead? I don't mean dead dead. I just mean I've repressed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to feel and express them. That's why I sit at

I Have to Do Something Really Important Today

But I don't know what it is. I've forgotten. It's really important though. Pay credit card bill? Meet someone? Wish someone a happy birthday? I look for a post-it note around the house or a note on my phone. Nothing. I must have written it down somewhere. I look around

I'm Completely Shattered

All it took was one night. I slept fine for a few hours and then tossed and turned. But it destroyed me.   Just one night of not great sleep and I'm short-tempered, angry, falling asleep at the table, face down in my food, now climbing up on the table to

How to Entertain a 3-Year-Old

Have unlimited energy. A good knowledge of Paw Patrol and PJ Masks for role play. Disregard for your own sleep. Hatred of relaxation. Then give your child the keys to your car, set up GPS directions to the nearest beach, wave goodbye, and hope for the best. It's time they

Why Is It So Hard for Me to Feel Joy?

I was looking at my wedding photos and realized that I didn't smile that much. I mean, I'm smiling in some photos. But in many, I'm not looking that thrilled to be there. Sure, maybe I'm nervous. Maybe I'm focused. But also I've realized that in general, on a subconscious

Graybeard

I'm getting more gray hairs. They are taking over. It first got really bad during the pandemic when my son's daycare was closed and my wife and I were working full-time and watching him full-time. I'd be sitting at our dining room table in front of my computer while our

Are You Happy?

Sometimes I ask my cats this question. Or I ask my son. Or my son asks me. Or my cats ask me. "Yeah, I'm happy," I say to my cats. "Especially when I'm cuddling with you." They roll their eyes. "You just said that to get my attention, right?" I

I Hope There Are Aliens

I'm getting tired of the same old terrible news. Aliens would spice things up a bit. Make life more interesting. As long as they are different than humans. If they are just human-like with an earth-like home, what's the point? We'll be like, 'What's going on in your home planet?

So Much Earwax

This morning I went to the doctor because I had too much earwax. This has been a reoccurring problem as I've gotten older. My ears don't know how to naturally rid themselves of earwax, as most people are able to do. My ears need help. They need someone to spray

I'm at a Stage in My Life Where I Strategize Loading the Dishwasher

When I was younger and wilder I used to be much more cavalier about loading the dishwasher. I shudder when thinking about how I placed glasses, dishes, and more importantly, cutlery, without much thought to optimal cleaning positions and to improve efficiency of unloading. It wasn't long ago even when

Scheduling Question for Jesus

I know that no one knows the hour or the day, not even Jesus himself and apparently he doesn't want to ask the Father, but will Jesus return before the sun explodes or is after a possibility too? I mean, if he is going to have his 1,000 year

Shit

As we are walking away from the house or driving away in the car, my son has been saying things like, "Shit, I forgot my phone." But it's strange because he doesn't own a phone. He's just a toddler. "Did you forget something else?" I say. "Maybe your wallet? Or

We Need To Vacuum the Car

If your partner or spouse ever says, "We need to..." what they mean is, "It would be great if you could do this thing that I could of course do myself but I would much rather you do it, thanks." I know this because I say it all the time.

This Hack Saved Me Minutes at the End of the Day

Food leftovers are the worst. Dishes are bad enough but looking for tupperware that is appropriately sized is exhausting especially after you've had a delicious meal. No, thank you. So instead of putting the leftovers away I will just eat them. It's so much easier. And also if I don't

I'm Super Super Productive

I get things done. I don't siesta. If I get tired, I sleep on the floor. That way when I'm sleeping I can drool on the floor and move my shirt over the drool so I can mop while I sleep and not waste any time. That's how productive I

Ways to Deal with Being Tired

Drink coffee. Eat chocolate. Splash cold water on your face. Jump into the Mediterranean Sea. Jump of a cliff. Go sky-diving. Fly a plane without a pilot license. Crash the plane into the Mediterranean Sea. Survive on a lifeboat in the sea for days until you are rescued. Anyway, just

How Many Times Can You Call Your Cat Cute In a Day?

Is a thousand too many? How often can you go up to your cat and say, "Oh my God, you are so freaking cute. You are so adorable. I just want to eat your little paws. Munch munch munch. Oh munch munch munch. Oh munch munch munch. I'm eating your

Muy Guapo

We had to get pictures to enroll my son in school next year so I took him to a photo store nearby. When he sat on the bench in front of white background, at first he refused to look at camera but soon agreed. At no point in the picture

Religion Never Helped Me

I was a Christian for many years, but not once did I feel like religion actually made me a better person.   In fact, it just made me feel guilt, shame, and self-hatred. But the Bible is pretty fun. Like the Book of Revelations. Imagine having the craziest dream of your

I Could Get a Job in Proscrastination

If there is one thing I have experience in, it's procrastination. I'm really good at it. I'm pro level. I've definitely had at least 10,000 hours in procrastination. Likely many more. Like this post. It's way overdue. I could have done it hours ago. Nope. Needed to wait until

Writing is Hard

I don't know why I want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's just putting words down on paper or digital paper. I know some words. But to arrange them in the right order is really hard. My cat looks at me as I explain this. He meows. Thank God

I Always Wanted Dark Circles Under My Eyes

I thought they looked cool. It would mean I'd lived. It would mean that I'd done something important with my life. It would be badass. Now I do have dark circles under my eyes when I wake up. But it just means I looked at Instagram too late and also

How Are You Doing?

I sometimes forget when your therapist asks this question you can tell the truth. But still my first reaction is to say, "Fine, great, okay, everything is perfect, no complaints." Then I'm like, "Wait. Actually, I'm not fine. I mean, I'm fine in the overall scale of things, but I'm

Allergies Are So Much Fun

How did my ancestors survive in the outdoors? I can't see anything with the tears streaming down from my eyes and snot running down my nose. Yet somehow my ancestors were farmers. I don't understand. Is that why they seemed so miserable in photos?

Don't Ever Get Behind on Laundry

Especially if you have one or more children. You might not catch-up. Ever. There might be so much laundry that you can't even get to the washing machine. It's just piled in front of it. On the plus side it's a comfy place to take a nap.

We Ran Out of Beer at Our Party

I thought more people would drink wine. It's totally my fault. I don't know what I was thinking. But if you're going to throw a party in late morning/mid-day in Spain you need more beer. I thought people would drink rosado. But this isn't the Hamptons. This is the

I Am Patient

I'm a patient person. I don't get angry easily. I'm just a chill, chill dude. That power saw at the construction site next door is totally not bothering me. I'm so okay with it. I don't want to go over there and scream, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut the hell

What Do I Like?

Sometimes I don't even know myself well enough to know what I like. Here are a few things: A tidy room. Going out to eat. The color blue. The color red. Silly action comedy movies. Going to see a weird arthouse movie not knowing what to expect. Drinks in a

I've Never Liked Horses

When I was sixteen I worked as a general farmhand and landscaper on a rich person's farm. As rich people do, they owned some horses. I had the pleasure of mucking the stalls. I could tell the horses didn't like me. They would talk about me when they thought I

How to Take Care of a 3 Year Old

Have constant activities from wake up to bedtime. Don't stop for one second or be boring at all. Have snacks all the time. Just had a meal. Doesn't matter. Snacktime. Don't even think about naptime. Unless you are in a car. Then naptime is ok. Be okay with lots of

My Wife Doesn't Believe in Expirations

That medicine expired a year ago. Doesn't matter. That milk is past it's due date. Probably fine. Those beans that expired five years ago. Not a problem. We won't get sick or anything. Totally fine.

Looking for a Job Is Not Fun

Working on your resume. Writing a cover letter. Ugh. I hate it. I wish applications required something more interesting. Like please submit a video of you doing a TikTok dance. Or a video of you lip-syncing to your favorite song. Or a video of you eating potato chips. Any of

The Best Feeling

Is there a better feeling than seeing your child at a distance and then they see you and start running to you with a big smile on their face and you open your arms wide to scoop them up and then they open their arms and they leap like some

I Love Our Cats

I Need a Job to Afford La Roche Posay

Living in sunny Spain, I've had to put sunscreen on myself and son almost every day. I've really come to appreciate La Roche Posay. It's so easy to apply. Well, on me, my son still screams. And I don't look like a white ghost afterwards. But, damn, it's expensive. I

I've Banished My Wife

When I my wife got COVID-19, I asked her very politely if she would leave the house. She refused. So I asked her to stand outside and I changed the locks. Was that wrong? Not sure, I can see both sides of the issue here.

Today Is Last Day of Daycare for Six Weeks

Not sure what we are going to do with all this free time. Maybe have him train to be a tailor. Or carpenter. Or boat captain.   Or watch a lot of Blippi. Probably just cry a lot. Us, not him. He's thrilled.

It Finally Got Us

We've somehow been able to evade COVID-19 for more than two years. First by being careful and lucky. Then by just being lucky.   No longer. It finally got us. Well, one of us so far. My wife has it. She is quarantining at another house. I am taking her hydration,

I Love Sleep

Do I love it more than being awake? I feel like I need to say no because if I said yes it sounds like I'd rather be dead. But I don't want to be dead. I just like sleep. And sometimes being awake is disappointing. Sleeping is also probably how

It's Tough Being a Kid

Pretty sure when we drop off my son at daycare he's convinced we are going to abandon him. Some days he doesn't care that we are abandoning him and happily plays and others days he does not like to be abandoned. That's why he's so happy when we pick him

Happy Father's Day to Me

"I'm such a good father," I say to myself, as I sip this gin and tonic, while my son runs around the restaurant, knocking into people, screaming, causing havoc, laughing, dancing on tables, ordering drinks for everyone, running up large bar tabs, ordering shots, complaining about the food to get

I Used to Be Very Anti-Emoticon

I thought they were silly. "I'm a writer," I thought. "I'm going to use real words." I was young and so foolish. Now I am old and tired of typing out words. There is so much more depth and sophistication to emoticons now than just a smiley face. I can

My Wife's Purse Was Stolen Yesterday

She was in Barcelona at a Zara Home, which everyone knows is a hotbed of crime and vice. I've told her to stay away from Zara Home multiple times but due to her dish towel addiction she has refused. Zara Homes are notoriously violent. Next to waffle robes is where

I'm So Organized

It's a lot of work organizing things. But then you need to keep things organized. That's the real trick. I'm like, "Didn't we already organize this? I need to put things away again? Oh God, I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so tired." I sit down. I

I'm a People Pleaser

And when people are not pleased by me, I get anxious. I don't know how to deal with people not liking me. I have to tell myself, "It's okay that some people don't like you. I mean they're crazy and out of their minds not to like a handsome gentleman

So Many Toiletries

During the early stages of the pandemic instead of stockpiling food we stockpiled toiletries. Shaving cream, moisturizer, handsoap, and floss, so much fricking floss. And we brought it all to Spain with us. That stuff doesn't have expiration. I give a pack of floss as little presents now. "Hi, how

My Son Is Super Into Washing Our Car

Hoping this lasts for next fifteen years. Their interests don't change or develop, right? They don't suddenly become less interested in helping around the house the older they get, right? I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. And by enjoy I mean eat a bag of chips and sit on

We Have Internet Now so the World Is Ours

It took a while for us to sign up for Internet service at our new house in Begur. In the meantime, we had to deal with 4G from our phones. Times were tough. Streaming was difficult. My mobile repeatedly gave me warnings about how much data I was using. I

My Son Hates Mealtimes

He doesn't like meals. He only eats snacks. I try to convince him that a meal is either a slightly bigger snack or really just a collection of smaller snacks eaten altogether. No, no, no. I clearly don't know anything. I actually agree with him. I like eating more smaller

I Love Gossip

Tell me all the drama. I love it. The arguments, the suspense, the petty anger. Gossip is so much better in a small town. And when you are part of the gossip even better. Since you have to see the same people over and over again, you walk out of

Anybody Else Want to Jump In Our Bed?

We have two adult humans, one small human, and two cats. What else can we fit on our queen size bed? Maybe a dog or another tiny human or some more cats or how about some squirrels and chipmunks to make things really interesting. We could probably fit a bird's

How to Get Children to Listen to You

When I tell my son to do something, he likes to do the opposite. So now I just tell him the opposite of what I want so he does what I want. But sometimes I forget. Anyone know how to get your kid to do what you say without backtalk

How to Make Money

I like money. You can do fun things with it, like buy food and pay rent and go to movies. I need it. Yes, to buy food and pay rent and go to movies but I also need a boat. Just a small one. I've decided I can't live near

I Still Think about the Time I Got All A's

The tutors--my college calls them tutors not professors--were notoriously stingy with giving out A's. One even admitted that he always gave out C's unless someone was exceptional. So one semester I was delighted to open my report card and see all A's. I mean, I was depressed and not well

Why Is Gelato So Good?

We don't eat ice cream anymore. We eat gelato. Gelato is so much cooler to eat. An adult in America walking down the street eating ice cream on a cone is absurd. But in Europe an adult eating gelato on a cone is respected and celebrated. This is the main

I'm Deciding How Many Buttons to Undo

I'm trying to decide what kind of summer this will be in terms of buttons undone down from my collar. One button undone on my shirt? A two button undone summer? Or maybe a three button undone summer. That would be fun. Who knows, maybe it will be a four

I Don't Like Getting Older

I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I don't like them. They only remind me that I'm going to die one day. When I turned twelve I went into the bathroom and cried because I knew death was inevitable. Now I just cry over my birthday  cake. It helps to

Which Is Harder? Moving Houses or Childbirth?

I've only done one of these. But moving houses has to be harder than childbirth. I mean, I'm exhausted. I've barely slept the last week. My back hurts. My legs hurt. My butt hurts. Everything hurts. I sit down and immediately fall asleep. I try to rest and the house

I Don't Like Looking for a Job

Putting keywords I'm resumes. Writing a cover letter. Ugh. Don't like it. Instead I'm going to submit a video of me doing a TikTok dance. That'll get them.

Why Is My Handwriting So Bad?

I look at my handwriting and wonder what serial killer wrote that. Actually, my handwriting is too messy for a serial killer. More like amateur criminal. You'd think with all my years of homeschooling I could have taken a penmanship course. No, Bible Studies was so much more important. My

Do You Ever Just Sit Down for A Minute?

And then an hour later you wake up with your head on a pillow with drool trickling out of your mouth? And you don't remember exactly what happened. Only that you're tired. But you have a lot to do. And the cats are also sleeping next to you so then

My Son Only Eats Tapas now

He doesn't eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Snacks are acceptable. But tapas are preferable. He doesn't like meals. Only small food portions served in bars.

I Knew Being a Parent Was Going to Be Hard

But I never knew that I would be anxious and worried all the time about my son. I thought there'd be some breaks. "Where is he?" I say to myself. We were walking on the path and I looked away for a moment and now he's gone. Did he go

What Do I Want the Rest of My Life to Look Like?

I envision myself sitting poolside and sipping drinks with cocktail umbrellas. I'm wearing a long flowing robe. Men wearing speedos are walking around with trays serving drinks and snacks. Wait, I'm wearing a speedo under my robe. I take my robe off and do a swan dive into the pool.

Moving Is Super Fun

When I lived in New York, before I met my now wife, I moved almost every year. In total, I moved about eleven times. It was a way to change things up, to feel like there was something different in my life when I had a job I didn't like

I Make Mistakes

I'm human. I make mistakes. I mess up like anyone else. I forgot to bury the body in the right place. I buried in a high traffic area. I wasn't thinking. Shit.

My Limit Is Four Cookies

I thought it was a good idea to see how many cookies I could eat before I got sick. It's four. Then I had to lie down. To be fair, I'd vaguely forgotten about the other cookies I'd eaten before. But with that fourth cookie I said to myself, "What

Our Cat Is Scaring the Local Wildlife

Our cat Hammy has been trying to impress us these past few months. He has brought the following into our house: > four lizards > three birds > One bat > One snake (well technically, only brought it to the door, didn't bring it inside, thankfully) "Hammy," we tell him. "We love you. You

Best Day of My Son's Life Was Making Popsicles

Christmases, birthdays, all the other adventures we've had--nothing compares to making popsicles from scratch. Chopping strawberries, squeezing lemon juice, and mixing them altogether has been the pinnacle of his existence so far. The best part. Putting them in the freezer and checking if they are ready every five minutes. Nothing

I Don't Recognize People's Faces

Since masks have come off, I've been having trouble recognizing people. Parents of kids who go to school with my son, our neighbors and local store owners, my own face. I think I look better with a mask on. Also I like to convey emotion with my eyes and eyebrows

My Memory Is Not Good

Do you ever send yourself an email, like a reminder or an important note, and two seconds later when your phone dings or you see an icon that you have a new email, you say, "Oooh, a new email, I wonder who that is?" And then you open the email

My Head Feels Like a Balloon

Do you ever get one of those colds where you have so much congestion in your head that it's hard to hold your head up? Like I've been resting my head on my desk for the past thirty minutes just because it was too heavy. I'm actually going to stay

Should I Get a Crepe or Ice Cream?

Heading out for an afternoon snack soon. Not sure if I should get a crepe or ice cream. Maybe both. These are the challenging decisions I have to make every day. Crippling really. Going for a crepe, I think. Yep, with chocolate syrup. Think I made the right choice.

How Many COVID Tests Are Enough?

Yesterday I came down with a scratchy throat so I did what many of us have to do these days. I bought a bunch of COVID tests. First one yesterday night was negative. Hmmm, but maybe it was because my symptoms had just started. Next one this morning. Also negative.

Am I Getting Sick?

There's a tickle in my throat. Am I getting sick or is the air just dry? I just sneezed. Getting sick or is there dust in the air? I am fatigued. Getting sick or just didn't sleep well last night? So many questions. So few answers. Better just go eat

We Are Packing Even If We Don't Have a Place to Move Yet

We think we found a new house to move to but we haven't signed the lease yet. We are in negotiations. But we're packing. We're going someplace this next week. We will move into our storage unit if we have it. The storage unit actually is a good size. Gets

I Talk Too Much

I can't stop sharing my personal feelings and emotions. I just have to get things off my chest. I can't keep anything inside, even with strangers. I share all the most intimate details of my life with the checkout cashier at the supermarket. Yes, I know I am living in

Dishes Dishes Dishes

Can we just all agree no more dishes? It's too much. The constant scrubbing, rinsing, leaning down to put items in the dishwasher. We're just going to throw the food on the table and then afterwards take the table outside and spray it off with a hose. That's all I

How to Stay Positive

I have trouble staying positive when I get stressed. I get negative. I lose my temper. I swear more. But instead I need to stand up straight and say, "I can do this! I believe in myself! I am a positive person! Everything will be fine. Negativity, get the hell

I Have Trouble Making Friends, Especially as an Adult

Although I was never very proficient with making friends even as a child. Since we were homeschooled we didn't meet many people outside of our "community." Of course, it goes without saying my best friend was Jesus Christ. But he was very popular. Everyone wanted to hang out with him.

We Don't Know What to Do

Should we stay here in Begur for another year? Should we move to Barcelona to be among the cool, young people in Gracia? Should we sell all our belongings and buy a camper van and travel around Spain? Or maybe I should go back to school and train to be

My Beach Body Is Almost Ready

I've been working on it the past few months. Eating lots of chocolate croissants. Munching on lots of potato chips. Having at least one gelato a day to keep those all-important lactose levels high. Doing lots of lounging too. People won't be able to look away when I rip my

How to Celebrate Mother's Day

1. Wake up late. 2. Forget that it's Mother's Day. Blame it on being sick for the past 3 days and fact that you are living outside US so you weren't bombarded with ads everywhere. 3. Run with son to local smoke shop/bodega to find a card for your

Whenever I'm Sick All I Want to Do Is Eat Doritos and Watch 1980's/1990's Movies.

I've had the flu the past few days and in that time I've watched: > Kindergarten Cop > Junior > The Rock > Gone In 60 Seconds > Con Air As I write out these titles, I realize that apparently I just need Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nicholas Cage to help me. Thanks, Arnie and Nic,

What to Do If You Have Neck Pain

If your neck hurts and is causing you some trouble, you could go to a chiropractor or physical therapist. Or you could just lift up a heavy object and hurt another part of your back, causing an even bigger injury. That way, you won't really think much about your first

I'm Aiming for Best Writers Under 80 List

I was thinking today about how I am too old for the best writers under 30 list and best writers under 40 list. I'll never make those. But maybe I can make the best writers under 80, if I live that long. Anyways, something to shoot for.

I Walked up to the Castle Today

It was thrilling. Our town has an old castle (more like a fort) where everyone used to flee when invaders or pirates would come. I needed some exercise so I went up the road to the castle this morning. I pretended I was being chased by invaders. "Run, run," I

My Son Has a Rich Inner Life

The other day my son made me buzz his daycare door and go back into his daycare to retrieve an imaginary tiny dog because he had forgotten it. I obliged, of course. I mean, I didn't know it was an imaginary tiny dog at first, I thought he had forgotten

Anybody Have a Tent We Can Live In?

We are looking for an apartment in Barcelona or a house in Begur. The rental market in both places is challenging. At this point a tent will do. As long as the tent has heating and indoor plumbing we are fine with it. There is nothing I love more than

I'm Feeling Out of Sorts

Do you ever have days when you just feel depleted? Empty. And even eating a bag of chips and five double chocolate caramel ice cream bars don't cheer you up? And instead you're lying on the couch holding your stomach and moaning? And for some reason you downloaded Nicholas Cage's

I Have "Text Neck"

I didn't think I spent that much time looking down at my phone, but according to my neck I absolutely do. Now my neck is refusing to hold my head up. "I tried," my neck says. "But you cared more about reading 'Ask Amy' in The Washington Post than your

I Love the Dark Circles Under My Eyes

It's makes me look like I've been up to something important. Maybe I'm working on an invention that will change the world. Maybe I'm working on a great novel. Maybe I'm studying ancient texts looking for wisdom. Nope, just staying up past my bedtime watching countless animal videos on Instagram

Apartment Hunting in Barcelona

Yesterday we saw seven apartments in Barcelona. We walked back and forth on Diagonal, seeing apartments in Eixample and Sant Gervasi and Gracia. The sun was beating down on us, and for lunch we only had time to eat some olives. We were tired, and not seeing apartments that we

Being a Parent Is Scary

I knew being a parent would be challenging and difficult at times but I didn't know how much time I'd spend being worried and scared for my son's safety. Like when he sleeps through the night in his own bed. I mean, what's up with that, son? Our bed isn't

How Often Do People Think about Dying?

What's the normal amount of time to think about death? Once a day? Or a week? Or a month? I'm not obsessed with it. Just sometimes I think about it when I'm lying in bed awake at 3am or I'm standing in line at the post office or I read

Gettysburg Ghosts

After going to bed late, I woke up early at 6am. Now the prudent, wise, and mature thing would have been to just get out of bed and start my day, even if I did feel tired. You know, be productive. Eat breakfast. Work out. Do the laundry. Any of

I Used to Pray a Lot

I used to pray every day. I used to read the Bible every day. When I converted to Catholicism in college, I used to go to mass every day. Religion was a big part of my life. Even now I sometimes find myself saying the Act of Contrition at random

Jet Lag is Fun with a Toddler

Going west is okay because we just wake up earlier and go to bed earlier. Coming back east is harder. My son refuses to go to sleep before midnight. Meanwhile I can't go to sleep before 2am. Then we wake up at 10am and rush my son to daycare. After

Yes, I Want to Live Here

We are currently looking for an apartment in Barcelona. Finding a place to live is such a fun process. You look at a few pictures online and then go to the apartment where you spend maybe fifteen minutes. Based on this, you're supposed to agree to live in a place

I Can't Move for the Next 24 Hours

I am cat-trapped. Ever since we returned from our trip, our cats have taken every chance to they can to sit on our laps. Hammy, one of our cats, is on my lap now. Obviously, I can't get up. I can't make lunch, go to the bathroom, or answer the

The 48 Hour Unpacking Rule

We've just arrived back from the US to our home in Spain with our six bags of luggage-yes, thank you, I know, too many. Some people have the discipline and fortitude to unpack almost immediately after home from a trip. Those people are truly brave. Others, like ourselves, need to

I Keep Dancing on My Own

I was at a wedding last weekend and, of course, I was on the dance floor. Where else would I be? I noticed that many of the songs--the best ones at least, the ones that everyone wanted to dance to--were breakup songs. Like this one [https://www.youtube.com/watch?

My Cashmere Pajamas Keep Me Sane

I look forward to bed for many reasons but one of the biggest is that I get to wear my cashmere pajamas. They are so cozy and warm, yet light and breathable. And they were an incredible deal. I couldn't find them the other night and I panicked. Where were

Easter Sunday

The best Easters I had were when I went to Vigil Mass Saturday evening at St. Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan. Afterwards I went out with my friends Austin and Marian and got very drunk. I mean, I never intended to get drunk. It just happened. One drink at a time.

New York City Tricks You

When you're here just for a few days, you think, "Oh wow, what a fun place to be!" So many good restaurants, museums, shows, and smart and talented people. You think, "It must be great to live here." And then you move here and you can't walk down the sidewalk

I Have the Habits of an 80-Year-Old

I like peace and quiet. Too much loud noise and traffic bothers me. I don't like driving at night. I love going to bed at 9pm. In a crowded restaurant or bar, I have trouble hearing what people are saying. I am often confused. My vision is bad. I'm afraid

Nonstop Construction

New York is fun for kids because there is always construction. When I moved here in 2003 I thought, "Wow, there is a lot of construction at the moment. I wonder when it will be done." I soon realized the answer is never, it will never be done. Is that

I Forgot the Premium in NYC You Have to Pay for Things Not to Suck

We had to get a last minute hotel room in NYC because friends we were going to stay with unfortunately got COVID (feel better, friends). So we booked a hotel room for $200. It wasn't the cheapest room and it certainly wasn't the most expensive room. But I forgot that

Travel Days

What's it like flying long distances with a toddler? people ask us. Well, the first and most important question you have to ask is, "Does the airplane have in-flight entertainment and if so do they have the Paw Patrol movie? If the answer is yes, and you have headphones for

How to Greet People

Approach people warily. From a distance check to see if they've started to initiate some type of greeting, like open arms for a hug. If so, try to run the other direction. If you cannot elude them, smile at them. If you cannot remember their name say, "Hey, dude," no

Am I Fun Anymore?

I was at a cocktail party last night with loud music and lots of people who I didn't know. I was looking at all those people talking and laughing with each other and I thought to myself, "Do I even know how to have fun anymore?" Before, when I was

I'm Doing Fantastic and I Surprise Myself

Do you ever send an email to yourself--like a note or a reminder that you want in your inbox--and two seconds after sending you get a ding or alert or notice you have new mail and you say to yourself, "Hey, I got new mail. I wonder what it is.

I Really Need a Coca-Cola

I need some caffeine. Coffee, which I love, gives me acid reflux. Black or green tea also give me acid reflux. (I have a fun life.) So Coca-Cola is the next best thing. But there is no Coca-Cola in this hotel room. What kind of a hotel room doesn't have

I Used To Live a Building Where People Would Shit in the Stairwell

Sometimes when I wonder if I've progressed at all in my life, I realize that I no longer live in a building where people experiencing homeless would go to the bathroom in the stairwell. I mean, I felt bad for them. They didn't have a good place to stay the

A Woman Told Me I was a Good Father

A few days ago on our plane ride to Los Angeles, during which my son was having a exhaustion-induced meltdown, a woman on the plane told me I was a good father. "You are so patient with him," she said. "I know," I said. "I'm pretty amazing." "I remember how

I Once Gave a Sermon

I've tried to block out religiously embarrassing moments from my memory, but sometimes I remember that I once gave a sermon at my small fundamentalist evangelical church when I was fifteen. The pastor was on vacation and things were desperate. There was no backup pastor. Who could possibly give a

Things I Say to My Son After Not Sleeping for 24 Hours

What happens after you travel for twenty-fours straight from Barcelona to New York to Los Angeles and just as you are drifting off to sleep in your hotel room, your son, who managed a few long sleeps during the travel, starts to jump on you. "Seriously? Seriously?" "Please stop." "For

Our Schedule Today (Barcelona Time)

7:30am - Leave for Barcelona airport. 9am - Arrive at airport, check-in, and go through security. 10:30am - Look for a cute top to buy at Zara to show off my abs. It's almost summer, baby! 12pm - Board plane. Set up son he can watch "Paw Patrol:

I'm Packing to Go on a Trip

We have weddings to go to back in los estados unidos (I'm sorry, I'm so fluent in Spanish that I forgot how to say USA) but I just don't feel like traveling. Tapas de Begur is opening up this weekend and I just don't think it's right to abandon them

Don't Think About It

The trick to falling asleep is not to try to fall asleep. You can't will yourself to sleep. You just have to let go. Think about anything else except falling asleep. Think about what you did today, your to-do list tomorrow, the fact that you once believed God created the

It's Raining Again in Spain

I mean, sure, sure, good for plants and trees and flowers. But what about me? Where's my sunshine? Where are my blue skies? Where are my carefree days lying in the sunflowers with my shirt off getting suntanned while I sip on my Albariño scrolling through the Internet trying to

I've Been Getting a Lot of Clips of Euphoria on My Instagram

I'm not sure why. I haven't watched the show. My favorite one is when Rue says to Cassie: “Wait, I don’t understand. If you’re not auditioning for Oklahoma, then why do you look like that?” It's a show about high schoolers. But these high schoolers were obviously not

I Want to Be a House Husband with an Only Fans Account

I don't want to work a traditional job, even remotely. I don't want a boss. I don't want to...work. Ugh. I want to be a boss. Well, sort of. I just want to stay at home and do the laundry and dishes and plan meals. I know that's work

I Love Kleenex

For me facial tissues are the ultimate luxury item. Forgent Birkin Bags. Forget Hermes scarves. Forget the Gucci belt. (Okay, I can't live without my Gucci belt). Tissues were always in short supply growing up. We blew our noses on toilet paper or rough paper towels. No, thank you. I

I'm Really Looking Forward to Gold Medallion Status with Delta

"I mean, just consider this," I say to my wife. "With Gold Status, I'll earn more miles on qualifying flights. Plus my MQMs I earn above my medallion qualification tier will roll over into the new year giving me a jumpstart on earning status again." "Fascinating," my wife says. "And

Sometimes I Wonder How I Will Fill My 50-Minute Therapy Sessions

Other times I say, "Wow, we haven't even scratched the surface of my problems. I'm going to need to go to therapy for the rest of my life. And that probably won't be enough." Thanks, childhood. Now I just have to figure out how to send a bill to my

My Son Knows How to Ride a Bike Now

Is there anything else left to teach him after this? Does he even need us anymore? He's going to be going to college soon now, right? My job here is done. Come back and visit us sometime.

Ways I've Seriously Injured My Back in Last Three Months

1) Getting out of bed. 2) Doing the Elmo slide with my son. 3) Sitting down on a couch. The last one was the worst. I pinched a nerve somehow. I had to lie down on the ground for a few hours. But it's okay, my son jumped on my

I Sometimes Think about Running Away

We're going to go live in Adventure Bay with Ryder and his pups. I'm not going alone. My wife and son are coming too. In Adventure Bay, Ryder and his pups solve any problems that come their way. A car crash, or one of Mayor Humdinger's crazy plans, or even

Is There a Hell?

In the morning as I'm waking up, there's a time where I am aware I'm sleeping but also not fully awake. In that stage of sleep/wakefulness I do a lot of serious thinking. This morning I was wondering if there was an afterlife, and whether on my deathbed I

Other People's Dreams

When we woke up this morning, my wife asked my son what he dreamt about last night. "Airplanes and airports," he said. "Which airport?" she said. "Barcelona airport," he said. "Oooh, exciting," I said. I dreamt I was in my hometown of Middletown, Pennsylvania, and I was helping my sister

It's Cloudy and Rainy Here

It's been cloudy and rainy here in Spain since we returned from Germany. This is not what I agreed to when we decided to move to Spain. I expect sunshine and blue skies at nearly all times. Okay, it can rain for a day or two but not for more

My Wife Forgets the Trauma of Birth

A couple of weeks after the birth of the our son she just casually mentioned that we might have another child in the future. I couldn't believe it. I mean, yeah, we should have another kid. But don't you remember what happened? Don't you remember how much blood there was?

I Don't Like Other Children

I really only like my son. Other children are just kind of shitty. I mean not all, there are a few that I like. But mostly they are really just boring and uninteresting. "C'mon, be more entertaining," I say to other children (not my son). "You're going to have to

In Winter I Refuse to Enter Houses that Don't Have Heated Floors

When it's cold outside I just don't see the point of going into a house that doesn't take heating seriously. And to my mind there is no other way to take heating seriously except for heated floors. I have standards now. Yes, I know I live in Spain. I know

I'm Looking for a Job

My sabbatical is over. I need money. And my writing isn't making me any money. Yet. The question is: what job will still allow me to have two hour lunches? I moved to Spain for a more relaxed, simple lifestyle. I need money but I'm not going to give up

Ski or Don't Ski

In the Austrian Alps you either ski or don't ski. Unless you are under six years old and want to learn how to ski. In this case you can go to ski school. But if you want to go up to the mountains, up the gondola, you better know how

We Never Had S-x Ed in Homeschool

My parents didn't like to ever use the word "s-x" around us. Even when we were older. And when you homeschool your children, how are you going to teach them about s-x when you can't even say the word? I have an idea. Just ignore it. Hope it will go

My Son Has Traveled to More Countries in 3 Years than I Did in 16

As I was growing up in Pennsylvania, my mother once said she "didn't see the point of traveling to Europe." Maybe that's why at sixteen I planned a trip to Europe by myself. When I came home from this trip after eating delicious croissants and visiting the Louvre in Paris

When People Speak Spanish to Me I Just say Si

When I don't understand what people are saying in Spanish to me, I usually just say, "Si, si." It's not a good habit. They could be saying things like: "You are stupid, aren't you?" "Do you know that you have food all over your face and you look like an

I Both Love and Hate Flying

Flying is magical. I love being up in the air inside a remarkable piece of engineering and construction. I'm also afraid of heights. So when I think too much about it my stomach drops. I go back and forth. Flying is so fun. Oh my God we're going to die.

Are You Really Living If You Don't Run for Your Flight?

How do you like to feel alive? Some people like listening to music, looking at artwork, or to be in nature. Not us. We like to leave for the airport with barely enough time to catch our flight and go to the wrong terminal and spend twenty euros to get

Has Anyone Ever Had Such Good Cats?

Nope. Our cats are the best. We love them so much. They are the sweetest, kindest, cuddliest cats you could ever want. Our cats are the best. None can compare. None. But I do need to get up from where I'm sitting and get some things done. Seriously, my leg

Sexual Fantasies for Homeschoolers

1. Seeing a bit of ankle when the object of your desire lifts up their long denim skirt an inch or two. 2. A bare elbow when you're at a I Kissed Dating Goodbye conference and your crush lifts their hands to praise God during the worship service and their

If I'm Angry at My Wife I Just Shout out the Answer to Wordle

If we are having a fight, I try to solve the Wordle as early in the day as possible, and then use that word in our conversation as much as possible. Sometimes I just leave that word written on a post-it around the house--on the front door, fridge, mirror in

Church Is Boring

Back when I thought my soul would be damned to hell for eternity for not going to mass, I forced myself to go. Sometimes the routine was nice. And, generally, I like Catholic churches. They are beautiful. Especially with the candles, statues, artwork, and Gregorian chant, if you're lucky. And

I Didn't Realize How Much I'd be Vomited On

Before I became a parent, I had no idea how much I'd be vomited on, peed on, and, occasionally, pooped on. People weren't like, "Hey congratulations on becoming a parent, one day when you're exhausted and just want to take a nap your child is going to vomit in your

I Used to Fast on Fridays

When I was a teenager and a Christian, and believed there was a God who cared about what one teenager living in Pennsylvania in the late 1990's did, I fasted on Fridays. I thought that fasting would make me holy. I thought I'd become closer to God. I thought, if

My Sister Is Visiting Us

She flew in from the East Coast last night. She is very high maintenance. She demands everything be perfect and to her exact liking. She only wants to eat at the best and fanciest restaurants. She demands that only the most attractive Spanish men fawn over her. She only wants

I Can't Focus for More than a Few Minutes

I feel like I've completely lost ability to concentrate on one task. It was bad before the pandemic but when we had to work full-time and watch our son when the daycare closed, I lost whatever focusing abilities I had after being constantly interrupted every few minutes. When we were

I Get Mad at My Wife

When she doesn't tell me I have nose hairs sticking out. Yesterday, for example, there was a massive, very long, scraggly nose hair coming out of my right nostril. I'm not sure how I could have missed it. But my wife was looking at me, more or less, all day.

I Don't Know Many Happy Former Homeschoolers

Do they exist? Probably. But most people I know who were homeschooled are one or more of following: 1) Grumpy; 2) Unhappy; 3) Depressed; 4) Not talking to their parents; 5) Living far from their parents; 6) Not religious. 7) Never going to homeschool their children if they have children.

What's With the Bible?

Why is everyone so obsessed with it? Has anyone actually read it? I wasn't allowed to watch PG-13 or R rated movies when I was a kid but I could read the Bible. There is war, incest, adultery, erotica, violence. At one point in the Book of Exodus, the Lord

What Is Happening?

The world is crazy. All I can say is today is that I have a nice, purring cat sitting in my lap. Others are not so lucky. That's all I got for today.

How Long For Results After You Workout?

I've been doing pushups for a few days now, and I'm still not buff yet. Why is that? I've done like ten pushups a day. They were really hard. And they were real pushups. My chest almost touched the ground. I got real low. Man, it was hard to push

Maybe I Won't Get Sick

My son got sick a few days ago. Which is not fun for him or us--since he's not sleeping well. When he gets sick, I think, maybe I won't get sick. Maybe I'll be okay if I wash my hands often and make sure I don't share any food or

My Wife Is Very Competitive

Day 1 Me: Today's Wordle was hard today. I got it in six tries. My wife: It was a little bit hard. I got it in five. Day 2 Me: Okay, so the Wordle was still hard today. I got it in five. My wife: I got it in four

Our Cat is Missing

Alexander Hamilton, aka Hammy, our beloved cat, is missing. When we returned from our trip to Paris we couldn't find him. He is allowed to roam outside in the backyard, and our cat sitter said he had seen him earlier that day. But he did not come home that night.

What a Typical Day Is Like in Spain For Me

8am-8:45am - Wake up, eat breakfast with my son. Listen to Paw Patrol soundtrack. Get him ready to go to school. 9am - 9:45am - Study Spanish. Pretend I know what my Spanish professor is telling me. Just say, "Si, si, si, si, si," and hope for the

The Only Time My Father Showed Emotion Was at My Sports Games

My father is an emotional enigma. At home he was quiet, reserved, mild-mannered, more of a question-asker than a question-answerer, with occasional bursts of pent-up anger. At my sports games he would come alive. He would pace up and down the sidelines at my soccer games and behind the dugout

I Kissed a Man in France

We are in Paris this week. Everytime I come to France I am reminded about ten years ago when I was staying in Strasbourg, France for a couple months. I had quit my job in New York and I was traveling around. One night I went out for beers with

We Just Had the Most Disgusting Meal of Our Lives in Paris

We are in France this week. Paris, to be exact, the capital of France. We went to this one bistro today for lunch and my wife ordered the steak tartare. We both love steak as we've ordered steaks many times from the Kansas City Steak Company and we had heard

My Brother and I Are Best Friends

We got along so well growing up. One night when I was twelve I was in our bedroom trying to go to sleep on our bunk beds. I was sad, my cat had just died. My brother was trying to sleep in the bunk above me. I started crying. "Shut

Why Do I Procrastinate?

I think I have time to do things. So I scroll through Instagram, the devil's playground. And then the deadline approaches. Out of nowhere. Shit. LIke this post for instance. I should have written it hours ago. But now I have to go pick up my son from school in

I'm Waiting for My Parents to Die

They are not vaccinated against Covid-19, for religious reasons. When I spoke to my mom about it, they said they were keeping in good health and taking "pre-cautionary measures." She didn't say what those were but they are also anti-mask, so maybe Ivermectin. It's frustrating because they are getting older

I'm Not a Good Storyteller

For someone who wants to be a writer, I'm not especially good at telling stories. I can oftentimes embellish a written story. But telling a story in conversation is hard for me. I don't share enough small but significant details. I'm like, "I went to the grocery store today and

The Time I Got Slain in the Spirit

We drove out to a religious revival in Ohio and stayed in a camper van. I was with my pastor's family. One night, after a high energy worship hour, the preacher that evening was walking around the stage and crowd, speaking in tongues and pushing people on their forehead. After

My Wife Didn't Get the Crackers I Like

It's not a big deal. It's fine. The crackers she got are fine. It doesn't bother me. I can be happy with the saltines she got. They are certainly not buttery delicious crackers which go really well with cream cheese, but really, it's not that big a deal. I mean,

I Once Went to Religious Camp

My brother went too. He hated it. He started a fire and tried to burn the camp down. I mean, maybe it was an accident. He was helping in the kitchen, and he left a pot on the stove with the burner on. The hired chef was making out with

My Grandmother, the Dentist

When I was a child my mom would always have to tell my dad to give his mother a call. My dad doesn't like calling or texting anyone. It didn't help that my grandmother was going deaf, and refused to get hearing aids, and so he'd have to shout into

My Wife Only Listens to Glen Weldon

If I say, "Hey, babe, here's an interesting show that you might like," she says, "Ehh." If NPR critic Glen Weldon says, "Hey listeners, there's this show that I recommend watching," my wife says, "Ooooh, hey babe, Glen Weldon likes this show and we should totally watch it! Let's watch

I'm Scared to Write About My Childhood

I don't know why. Nothing bad happened. I mean, I was constantly told that I was inherently sinful and going to hell unless I repented and asked Jesus into my heart. When I cried my brothers told me to shut up. When I tried to make friends kids would laugh

I'm Not Ready to Change Out of These Pajamas Yet

I'm going to need to stay in these cashmere pajamas for a while longer. The wind is howling outside and it's freezing inside. Here in my town in Spain they even have a name for this wind--Tramuntana. The temperature is in the mid-to-low double digits but emotionally it feels like

I Don't Remember My Childhood

Like, what did I do growing up? Anything? Here's what I remember. 1. I was homeschooled. 2. We went to church every Sunday. 3. We lived in a duplex next door to the pastor of the church and his family. 4. The daughter in that family, Amanda, was my best

Everytime I Get Sick, I'm Like, It's Cancer

I have a cold. Probably the beginning of a brain tumor. My stomach hurts. Stomach cancer. I'm constipated. Cancer. My leg hurts. Leg cancer. Sore throat. Esophageal cancer. Headache. Brain tumor has progressed. I think, "Maybe I should write about being scared of cancer, and that will help me put

We Are Always Talking About Bruno

My wife in morning [singing]: We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no My son in the morning [singing]: We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no My wife mid-morning [singing]: It was my wedding day My son mid-morning [singing]: It was our wedding day My wife at lunch [singing]

My Son Thinks When He Gets Big His Parents Will Be Babies

My son said that when he is big, my wife and I will be babies and he will have to feed us and help put our shoes on. "Pretty accurate," my wife says. True, but based on that theory there will probably be a point when we are the same

I Got Nothing Today

Sometimes when you sit down at the old sewing table that you are using as a desk you don't have anything to write. You feel empty. You look outside the window at the laundry drying in the sun and try to think of something to say. You think, Why am

I Want to Live in a Hotel with Big Glass Windows

Some people find hotels impersonal. Or cold or sterile. But I would love to live in a hotel. I love shiny clean bathtubs. I love having my bed made and room cleaned (who doesn't?) every day. I love ordering room service and being charged $30 for a burger. I love

Why Am I Not Fluent in Spanish?

I've been studying for a few months now. But I still can't understand what people are saying to me. I've been doing Babbel app almost every day. Sometimes I watch Paw Patrol in Spanish with my son. I should be able to talk more in Spanish than I do. have

My Wife and I Don't Speak to Each Other Unless It's for Wordle

We've run out of topics to talk about. We do discuss our son occasionally, but we've gotten into a good routine. We discussed everything else about our lives and past and hopes and dreams and future during the pandemic where we've not spent one day apart. Not one day. Not

I Love Not Going to Church

Church is boring. Both Catholic and Protestant. When I admitted this I felt much better. Sermons and homilies, unless is the speaker is especially gifted, are boring. Incense, borning. Worship songs, especially boring. Praying for people, boring. Going to confession (when I was Catholic), weird plus boring. Gregorian chant plus

My Wife and I Started Couples Therapy

Our therapist is named Jules. It's on Zoom. I'm too grumpy so that's why we started therapy. My would ask me how I'm doing and I would say, "Bleerg, everything is terrible." I would say this when I'm sitting on the beach, the sun shining, my son playing happily, my

I Don't Know How to Make Friends As an Adult

Recently I was driving by myself one afternoon searching to see if I could get a booster shot. My wife had our son. I realized after a few hours away from my wife and son that if they weren't there to fill my days I wouldn't have anyone to hang

I Like to Be in Nature

If I want to get my thoughts organized or come up with ideas or solve a problem, I go for a walk in nature. When I lived in New York City, I'd walk past a few trees on the sidewalk and hoped that would be enough. Here in Spain I

The First Girl I Fell In Love With

Her name was Sophie. We were both homeschooled. She had a gummy smile. She was quiet and poetic. She had a pet bird. We took homeschool biology together and used to study together at her house. We created flash cards and quizzed each other. In December one day after studying,

I'm Scared of a Lot of Things

I'm scared of dying. Scared of getting cancer. Scared of getting dementia. Scared of snakes. Scared of too much sun. Scared of horses. Scared of too little sun. Scared that the police will find the body I buried in the backyard of the house I used to live at. Scared

I Used to Walk to the Manhattan Bridge and Think About Jumping Off

In my twenties I used to go for long Sunday walks in Brooklyn. I'd wake up late, maybe hungover, maybe not, look at my bank account to make sure I could afford breakfast and go get a bagel and coffee. Afterwards, I'd start walking. I'd go past the brownstones and

Sundays

I used to dread Sundays. "Why have I done this to myself?" I'd ask. "Why am I stuck in this job? What kind of idiot am I? What am I doing with my life? Aaaaaaaaaagh." My cats would look at me, sit down on my lap, and purr. "Okay, I

Have I Forgotten How to Read?

I haven't read enough in the past couple years. Sure, I was trying to survive a global pandemic, but for someone who wants to be a writer, I've barely read anything. I've been too jealous to read books. How did this person publish a book? I'm happy for them, of

Why Do I Always Dream of Death When I Nap?

I though naps were too short for dreams. So why when I close my eyes for a so-called power nap, do I see myself floating in space, thinking about how one day I'll be dead. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day I will die. I'll be gone.

How to Write about Personal Shit

I don't know how to write about my family. I want to write about my childhood but I'm scared. I want to write about being homeschooled for my entire childhood education, growing up in a small fundamentalist Christian church, about how my father, who has no emotions except anger, went

When You Think You've Killed Your Son

We went on a ski trip in the Pyrenees. We wanted to get our son a ski lesson since it's his first time but they said he was too young to learn how to ski. "What's the point in trying to teach him?" they said. Okaaay. So we took him

Playgrounds

My son loves playgrounds. He loves slides. He loves swings. He loves small forts. He loves see saws. He loves it all. I try to remember the last time I was a kid and I enjoyed playing. I remember on my 12th birthday throwing the ball with my dad and

We Went to the Beach Today

Today we went to Calella de Palafrugell. If I said to picture a perfect Mediterranean cove, this would be it. White houses line the shore. The sun glints off the clear water. People sunbathe. So do I. In January I like to sunbathe nude. But I was homeschooled so nude

Why Am I So Grumpy Lately?

I always sort of considered myself good-humored and easy going, but that was all a mask. I was just ignoring my wants and not stating my desires and needs because I didn't like conflict and was a people-pleaser. Now I'm grumpy. People ask me how I'm doing. "Terrible," I say.

Am I Allowed to Have Fun?

We have a ski trip planned in the next few days. Do I remember how to ski? Will I fall down?Is skiing something that comes back to you? We are going up to the Pyrenees, about two hours away. Taking a ski trip mid-week feels indulgent. Am I allowed

I Wanted to Be a Saint

In homeschool high school instead of trying to date girls and play video games, I read Dostoevsky and tried to become a saint. I was obsessed with the Jesus Prayer. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. I said it over and over again. I read a book

In a Former Life I Was a Cat

I'm exploring my past lives. My name was Theo. I was a tabby. I took long morning naps until noon. At 4am in the night I would scratch my owner's face because I was hungry. His name was Oscar. We lived in Nice, France. I would go out the window

I Like to Be Home Too Much

What's the point of going outside? I know nature is supposed to be amazing and everything and sure, trees and flowers are beautiful, but is it more beautiful that a bed and cozy down comforter? One of the hard things about living abroad in a beautiful country is when you're

I'm Happy I'm Not Religious Anymore

One Sunday when I was eleven I heard a sermon about hell that terrified me. I believed the pastor was talking directly to me. God, displeased with my life, might strike me down at any moment. He totally cared what an eleven-year-old boy who like to play with Lego sets

It's Cold and Rainy Here in Begur Today

I want to curl up with my cats on the bed and watch 80's action comedy movies. But I guess I should do things, like clean the kitchen and unload the dishwasher and go shopping for dinner and take care of my son and feed my cats and go save

Escargot

I ate snails for lunch today. I first tried them five years ago, and I couldn't believe how tasty they were. Typically I'd be turned away from the texture from something like a snail but it's surspringly tender and when cooked with salt and garlic I find them delicious. Sometimes

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

We slept in until 9:45am today. By we I mean my son and I. It was unexpected. My wife woke earlier, but she stayed in bed looking at Instagram and reading a novel. We haven't slept in that late since before my son was born. When we woke up

It's Almost Lunch Time Where Should We Go?

Our house cleaner is coming at 1pm, and so we need to find a place to eat lunch in town. I suggest a restaurant in town that has a pretty good chicken curry, although they don't bring much rice. We asked for extra rice last time and got a thimble

I Need to Get a Job

Today Spain is celebrating Kings' Day. Last night our town had a parade, which had two of my son's favorite things: horses and trains. There were four horses, a band of drummers, and many people dressed up as kings (with some very unfortunately in blackface [https://travelnoire.com/spains-controversial-annual-blackface-three-kings-parade] ), as

I've Been Afraid Most of My Life

Why am I so afraid all the time? What did my parents do to me? We were taught not to trust the outside world. We rarely had friends over. Sometimes church friends, that was it. We were in our own little world. Sometimes I am brave. When I traveled to

Do I Tell My Cat I Love Him Too Much?

I see my cat sitting on our bed. I go up to him. "You are the cutest little tiger and I love you so much," I say. "Oh you are just the sweetest little kitty cat. Oh, I love you so much. You are just the sweetest little baby cat.

I Remember the Last Time I Spoke in Tongues

It's 1am and I can't fall asleep. We just returned from Los Angeles a few days ago, and the jet lag is brutal. I close my eyes to trick myself into going to sleep. "No," my brain says. "No, it's not time. Let's think about when you were fifteen at

An Ode to Magnum Ice Cream Bars

O how I love you, Magnum Double Caramel Ice Cream Bars. O how I adore you. You are so delicious. Madagascan vanilla bean ice cream dipped in a smooth caramel sauce and then dipped (yes, that's a total of two dips) into Belgian milk chocolate. I bite into the cracking

How Many Chocolate Croissants Are Too Many?

It’s sunny with blue skies here in Spain after cold winter rain. I’m sitting in the back patio of Can Pol wearing my winter jacket eating a mini-bocadillo and drinking agua con gas (sparkling water, for those who don’t hablan español). I’ve just walked my son