How to Greet People

Approach people warily.

From a distance check to see if they've started to initiate some type of greeting, like open arms for a hug. If so, try to run the other direction.

If you cannot elude them, smile at them. If you cannot remember their name say, "Hey, dude," no matter their gender.

If they offer their hand for a handshake, offer them a fist for a fist bump. When they switch to a fist for a fist bump, go back to an open hand for a handshake. Do this a number of times until both of you are embarrassed and exhausted. Run away and hide in a closet.

If you manage to connect your hands with a handshake, decide whether to go in for a half hug as well. Hold that half hug for a long time until it becomes uncomfortable. When they try to drop the hug, hold tight. They are just testing you. Do not let go.  

If just a hug with no handshake, give three firm thumps on the back, right in the middle of their shoulder blades, as if they are coughing and you are trying to help them clear some obstruction in their throat. If the thumping is done appropriately, you will likely never have to hug them again.

If for a greeting, you are kissing on the cheeks, do a dramtic air kiss. Ideally on each cheek five times in total. Anything less than five is just rude.

This is the way.