By fixed, I mean I Googled the problem into I realized that our Nespresso machine was stuck in the cleaning setting. So I reset. Yep, I'm sort of a handyman genius. My wife will no doubt make me a special dinner. My son will say, "Good job, papa!" The town
It went everywhere. Into the kitchen. Across the dining room floor. Into the living room. Into the bathroom. Onto my feet. Into my flip-flops. Upstairs. Into our bed. On my toothbrush. Don't know how that happened. I'm still picking the shards out of my teeth. Points is, don't drop glass
I hate ants in my home. So if I see them, I, like many others, kill them. Yet I feel bad for killing them. I make up little stories in my head about these ants. These two ants on the kitchen floor are a power couple named Andy and Tiffany
He wants a real sword. Not a stick fashioned to look like a sword. Not a pretend sword. Not some cardboard cutout of a sword. A real sword, damnit. What does he want with it? He wants to be a pirate. "You're going to need a ship too," I tell
I sometimes debate whether to use exclamation points in my texting. Sometimes I feel like I need to add a little excitement to my messages. But I don't want to give people the wrong impression about how excited I actually am. Also, to be really excited about something is its
My son has a book about a silly turkey who doesn't know how to get dressed and puts clothing items on the wrong parts of his body. I've read this book too many times because when I was getting ready for bed last night I put my pajama shorts over
I woke up this morning to the clang of metal against metal as Repsol delivery man unloaded the tall propane bottles in front of our house. "Gas is here!" my wife screamed. "Gas is here!" I screamed, awakened by my wife. "Gas is here!" my son screamed, awakened by me.
We don't have enough power in our house. In Spain, it's called potencia and if you want to run more than two applicances at the same time, you need more of it. We thought we had enough potencia and our electric company said they had raised it, but just joking,
I don't believe that pandas are real. I think they are just humans inside panda suits. The first panda was a creative costume designer who made a realistic panda suit. But then people took it seriously and thought pandas were real. It spiraled from there. Now there is secret society
1. I should have worn a more exciting tie. The one I picked, with blue and orange stripes, was kind of boring. I should have been bolder. I mean, people couldn't take their eyes off me and I needed to give them something more. 2. My wife and I should
I like it when I don't have any emails to deal with. I use my emails as a kind of to-do list and so when my inbox is empty I feel like I've truly accomplished things. I will do anything to maintain inbox zero. I unsubscribe and block. Emails from
I've discovered that putting a pillow between my knees when I sleep is revolutionary when I'm sleeping on my side. It's so much more comfortable this way. I didn't know how awkward my knees and hips felt before. But this is incredible. My hips told me they feel more aligned
Floating in the Mediterranean Sea on a hot, hot day feels so good. Better than floating in the Hudson River. And better than floating in the East River. Yeah, I'm going pick the Mediterranean on that one. New York City has better musical theatre and pizza but the Costa Brava
It's so hot that last night I had to take my sleep mask off because it was making my eyes too warm. It's so hot that the butter on our counter melted. I thought the melted butter looked like frosting so I started licking it. It's so hot that my
I used to read minimalism blogs and there was one by two guys who said that you didn't need goals. They encouraged their readers to get rid of goals, just like you'd get rid of unnecessary clothes, furniture, and old papers. The amazing thing, they claimed, is that you still
There is no ice in our town in Spain. Or in the surrounding town. And it's hot. In the upper eighties and nineties. Most importantly, how do you make gin and tonics without ice? Yes, we could buy another ice cube tray and make our own ice. But for a
I like it when my son climbs onto our bed and screams in my face, "I want to go downstairs for breakfast!" Preferably at 5am. Preferably after I've gone to bed at midnight. Preferably after I haven't slept well. "It's too early for breakfast," I say. He cries. "No, I
Cereal is somehow edible but if you leave it stuck on the floor or a chair or even bits on a bowl it somehow becomes the strongest substance on earth. You're going to be scrubbing for hours. It won't come off. Just give up. You'll need to throw out that
Our remote-controlled gate for our driveway wasn't working today so I took off the cover and tried to see what was wrong. I'm very mechanical. I just know intuitively how to fix things. I guess I'm sort of a handyman genius. I mean, those were my thoughts when I tried
Not on purpose, I mean. But maybe you're watching an engrossing movie or reading a book or article that really gets your attention. And then you feel some saliva on your lips. And maybe you wipe it away in time. Or don't. And you look around to see if anyone
Is it possible to write stories full of feeling and create emotionally-relatable and compelling protagnists if my soul is dead? I don't mean dead dead. I just mean I've repressed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to feel and express them. That's why I sit at
But I don't know what it is. I've forgotten. It's really important though. Pay credit card bill? Meet someone? Wish someone a happy birthday? I look for a post-it note around the house or a note on my phone. Nothing. I must have written it down somewhere. I look around
All it took was one night. I slept fine for a few hours and then tossed and turned. But it destroyed me. Just one night of not great sleep and I'm short-tempered, angry, falling asleep at the table, face down in my food, now climbing up on the table to
Have unlimited energy. A good knowledge of Paw Patrol and PJ Masks for role play. Disregard for your own sleep. Hatred of relaxation. Then give your child the keys to your car, set up GPS directions to the nearest beach, wave goodbye, and hope for the best. It's time they
I was looking at my wedding photos and realized that I didn't smile that much. I mean, I'm smiling in some photos. But in many, I'm not looking that thrilled to be there. Sure, maybe I'm nervous. Maybe I'm focused. But also I've realized that in general, on a subconscious
I'm getting more gray hairs. They are taking over. It first got really bad during the pandemic when my son's daycare was closed and my wife and I were working full-time and watching him full-time. I'd be sitting at our dining room table in front of my computer while our
Sometimes I ask my cats this question. Or I ask my son. Or my son asks me. Or my cats ask me. "Yeah, I'm happy," I say to my cats. "Especially when I'm cuddling with you." They roll their eyes. "You just said that to get my attention, right?" I
I'm getting tired of the same old terrible news. Aliens would spice things up a bit. Make life more interesting. As long as they are different than humans. If they are just human-like with an earth-like home, what's the point? We'll be like, 'What's going on in your home planet?
This morning I went to the doctor because I had too much earwax. This has been a reoccurring problem as I've gotten older. My ears don't know how to naturally rid themselves of earwax, as most people are able to do. My ears need help. They need someone to spray
When I was younger and wilder I used to be much more cavalier about loading the dishwasher. I shudder when thinking about how I placed glasses, dishes, and more importantly, cutlery, without much thought to optimal cleaning positions and to improve efficiency of unloading. It wasn't long ago even when
I know that no one knows the hour or the day, not even Jesus himself and apparently he doesn't want to ask the Father, but will Jesus return before the sun explodes or is after a possibility too? I mean, if he is going to have his 1,000 year
As we are walking away from the house or driving away in the car, my son has been saying things like, "Shit, I forgot my phone." But it's strange because he doesn't own a phone. He's just a toddler. "Did you forget something else?" I say. "Maybe your wallet? Or
If your partner or spouse ever says, "We need to..." what they mean is, "It would be great if you could do this thing that I could of course do myself but I would much rather you do it, thanks." I know this because I say it all the time.
Food leftovers are the worst. Dishes are bad enough but looking for tupperware that is appropriately sized is exhausting especially after you've had a delicious meal. No, thank you. So instead of putting the leftovers away I will just eat them. It's so much easier. And also if I don't
I get things done. I don't siesta. If I get tired, I sleep on the floor. That way when I'm sleeping I can drool on the floor and move my shirt over the drool so I can mop while I sleep and not waste any time. That's how productive I
Drink coffee. Eat chocolate. Splash cold water on your face. Jump into the Mediterranean Sea. Jump of a cliff. Go sky-diving. Fly a plane without a pilot license. Crash the plane into the Mediterranean Sea. Survive on a lifeboat in the sea for days until you are rescued. Anyway, just
Is a thousand too many? How often can you go up to your cat and say, "Oh my God, you are so freaking cute. You are so adorable. I just want to eat your little paws. Munch munch munch. Oh munch munch munch. Oh munch munch munch. I'm eating your
We had to get pictures to enroll my son in school next year so I took him to a photo store nearby. When he sat on the bench in front of white background, at first he refused to look at camera but soon agreed. At no point in the picture
I was a Christian for many years, but not once did I feel like religion actually made me a better person. In fact, it just made me feel guilt, shame, and self-hatred. But the Bible is pretty fun. Like the Book of Revelations. Imagine having the craziest dream of your
If there is one thing I have experience in, it's procrastination. I'm really good at it. I'm pro level. I've definitely had at least 10,000 hours in procrastination. Likely many more. Like this post. It's way overdue. I could have done it hours ago. Nope. Needed to wait until
I don't know why I want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's just putting words down on paper or digital paper. I know some words. But to arrange them in the right order is really hard. My cat looks at me as I explain this. He meows. Thank God
I thought they looked cool. It would mean I'd lived. It would mean that I'd done something important with my life. It would be badass. Now I do have dark circles under my eyes when I wake up. But it just means I looked at Instagram too late and also
I sometimes forget when your therapist asks this question you can tell the truth. But still my first reaction is to say, "Fine, great, okay, everything is perfect, no complaints." Then I'm like, "Wait. Actually, I'm not fine. I mean, I'm fine in the overall scale of things, but I'm
How did my ancestors survive in the outdoors? I can't see anything with the tears streaming down from my eyes and snot running down my nose. Yet somehow my ancestors were farmers. I don't understand. Is that why they seemed so miserable in photos?
Especially if you have one or more children. You might not catch-up. Ever. There might be so much laundry that you can't even get to the washing machine. It's just piled in front of it. On the plus side it's a comfy place to take a nap.
I thought more people would drink wine. It's totally my fault. I don't know what I was thinking. But if you're going to throw a party in late morning/mid-day in Spain you need more beer. I thought people would drink rosado. But this isn't the Hamptons. This is the
I'm a patient person. I don't get angry easily. I'm just a chill, chill dude. That power saw at the construction site next door is totally not bothering me. I'm so okay with it. I don't want to go over there and scream, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut the hell
Sometimes I don't even know myself well enough to know what I like. Here are a few things: A tidy room. Going out to eat. The color blue. The color red. Silly action comedy movies. Going to see a weird arthouse movie not knowing what to expect. Drinks in a
When I was sixteen I worked as a general farmhand and landscaper on a rich person's farm. As rich people do, they owned some horses. I had the pleasure of mucking the stalls. I could tell the horses didn't like me. They would talk about me when they thought I
Have constant activities from wake up to bedtime. Don't stop for one second or be boring at all. Have snacks all the time. Just had a meal. Doesn't matter. Snacktime. Don't even think about naptime. Unless you are in a car. Then naptime is ok. Be okay with lots of
That medicine expired a year ago. Doesn't matter. That milk is past it's due date. Probably fine. Those beans that expired five years ago. Not a problem. We won't get sick or anything. Totally fine.
Working on your resume. Writing a cover letter. Ugh. I hate it. I wish applications required something more interesting. Like please submit a video of you doing a TikTok dance. Or a video of you lip-syncing to your favorite song. Or a video of you eating potato chips. Any of
Is there a better feeling than seeing your child at a distance and then they see you and start running to you with a big smile on their face and you open your arms wide to scoop them up and then they open their arms and they leap like some
Living in sunny Spain, I've had to put sunscreen on myself and son almost every day. I've really come to appreciate La Roche Posay. It's so easy to apply. Well, on me, my son still screams. And I don't look like a white ghost afterwards. But, damn, it's expensive. I
When I my wife got COVID-19, I asked her very politely if she would leave the house. She refused. So I asked her to stand outside and I changed the locks. Was that wrong? Not sure, I can see both sides of the issue here.
Not sure what we are going to do with all this free time. Maybe have him train to be a tailor. Or carpenter. Or boat captain. Or watch a lot of Blippi. Probably just cry a lot. Us, not him. He's thrilled.
We've somehow been able to evade COVID-19 for more than two years. First by being careful and lucky. Then by just being lucky. No longer. It finally got us. Well, one of us so far. My wife has it. She is quarantining at another house. I am taking her hydration,
Do I love it more than being awake? I feel like I need to say no because if I said yes it sounds like I'd rather be dead. But I don't want to be dead. I just like sleep. And sometimes being awake is disappointing. Sleeping is also probably how
Pretty sure when we drop off my son at daycare he's convinced we are going to abandon him. Some days he doesn't care that we are abandoning him and happily plays and others days he does not like to be abandoned. That's why he's so happy when we pick him
"I'm such a good father," I say to myself, as I sip this gin and tonic, while my son runs around the restaurant, knocking into people, screaming, causing havoc, laughing, dancing on tables, ordering drinks for everyone, running up large bar tabs, ordering shots, complaining about the food to get
I thought they were silly. "I'm a writer," I thought. "I'm going to use real words." I was young and so foolish. Now I am old and tired of typing out words. There is so much more depth and sophistication to emoticons now than just a smiley face. I can
She was in Barcelona at a Zara Home, which everyone knows is a hotbed of crime and vice. I've told her to stay away from Zara Home multiple times but due to her dish towel addiction she has refused. Zara Homes are notoriously violent. Next to waffle robes is where
It's a lot of work organizing things. But then you need to keep things organized. That's the real trick. I'm like, "Didn't we already organize this? I need to put things away again? Oh God, I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so tired." I sit down. I
And when people are not pleased by me, I get anxious. I don't know how to deal with people not liking me. I have to tell myself, "It's okay that some people don't like you. I mean they're crazy and out of their minds not to like a handsome gentleman
During the early stages of the pandemic instead of stockpiling food we stockpiled toiletries. Shaving cream, moisturizer, handsoap, and floss, so much fricking floss. And we brought it all to Spain with us. That stuff doesn't have expiration. I give a pack of floss as little presents now. "Hi, how
Hoping this lasts for next fifteen years. Their interests don't change or develop, right? They don't suddenly become less interested in helping around the house the older they get, right? I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. And by enjoy I mean eat a bag of chips and sit on
It took a while for us to sign up for Internet service at our new house in Begur. In the meantime, we had to deal with 4G from our phones. Times were tough. Streaming was difficult. My mobile repeatedly gave me warnings about how much data I was using. I
He doesn't like meals. He only eats snacks. I try to convince him that a meal is either a slightly bigger snack or really just a collection of smaller snacks eaten altogether. No, no, no. I clearly don't know anything. I actually agree with him. I like eating more smaller
Tell me all the drama. I love it. The arguments, the suspense, the petty anger. Gossip is so much better in a small town. And when you are part of the gossip even better. Since you have to see the same people over and over again, you walk out of
We have two adult humans, one small human, and two cats. What else can we fit on our queen size bed? Maybe a dog or another tiny human or some more cats or how about some squirrels and chipmunks to make things really interesting. We could probably fit a bird's
When I tell my son to do something, he likes to do the opposite. So now I just tell him the opposite of what I want so he does what I want. But sometimes I forget. Anyone know how to get your kid to do what you say without backtalk
I like money. You can do fun things with it, like buy food and pay rent and go to movies. I need it. Yes, to buy food and pay rent and go to movies but I also need a boat. Just a small one. I've decided I can't live near
The tutors--my college calls them tutors not professors--were notoriously stingy with giving out A's. One even admitted that he always gave out C's unless someone was exceptional. So one semester I was delighted to open my report card and see all A's. I mean, I was depressed and not well
We don't eat ice cream anymore. We eat gelato. Gelato is so much cooler to eat. An adult in America walking down the street eating ice cream on a cone is absurd. But in Europe an adult eating gelato on a cone is respected and celebrated. This is the main
I'm trying to decide what kind of summer this will be in terms of buttons undone down from my collar. One button undone on my shirt? A two button undone summer? Or maybe a three button undone summer. That would be fun. Who knows, maybe it will be a four
I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I don't like them. They only remind me that I'm going to die one day. When I turned twelve I went into the bathroom and cried because I knew death was inevitable. Now I just cry over my birthday cake. It helps to
I've only done one of these. But moving houses has to be harder than childbirth. I mean, I'm exhausted. I've barely slept the last week. My back hurts. My legs hurt. My butt hurts. Everything hurts. I sit down and immediately fall asleep. I try to rest and the house
Putting keywords I'm resumes. Writing a cover letter. Ugh. Don't like it. Instead I'm going to submit a video of me doing a TikTok dance. That'll get them.
I look at my handwriting and wonder what serial killer wrote that. Actually, my handwriting is too messy for a serial killer. More like amateur criminal. You'd think with all my years of homeschooling I could have taken a penmanship course. No, Bible Studies was so much more important. My
And then an hour later you wake up with your head on a pillow with drool trickling out of your mouth? And you don't remember exactly what happened. Only that you're tired. But you have a lot to do. And the cats are also sleeping next to you so then
He doesn't eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Snacks are acceptable. But tapas are preferable. He doesn't like meals. Only small food portions served in bars.
But I never knew that I would be anxious and worried all the time about my son. I thought there'd be some breaks. "Where is he?" I say to myself. We were walking on the path and I looked away for a moment and now he's gone. Did he go
I envision myself sitting poolside and sipping drinks with cocktail umbrellas. I'm wearing a long flowing robe. Men wearing speedos are walking around with trays serving drinks and snacks. Wait, I'm wearing a speedo under my robe. I take my robe off and do a swan dive into the pool.
When I lived in New York, before I met my now wife, I moved almost every year. In total, I moved about eleven times. It was a way to change things up, to feel like there was something different in my life when I had a job I didn't like
I'm human. I make mistakes. I mess up like anyone else. I forgot to bury the body in the right place. I buried in a high traffic area. I wasn't thinking. Shit.
I thought it was a good idea to see how many cookies I could eat before I got sick. It's four. Then I had to lie down. To be fair, I'd vaguely forgotten about the other cookies I'd eaten before. But with that fourth cookie I said to myself, "What
Our cat Hammy has been trying to impress us these past few months. He has brought the following into our house: > four lizards > three birds > One bat > One snake (well technically, only brought it to the door, didn't bring it inside, thankfully) "Hammy," we tell him. "We love you. You
Christmases, birthdays, all the other adventures we've had--nothing compares to making popsicles from scratch. Chopping strawberries, squeezing lemon juice, and mixing them altogether has been the pinnacle of his existence so far. The best part. Putting them in the freezer and checking if they are ready every five minutes. Nothing
Since masks have come off, I've been having trouble recognizing people. Parents of kids who go to school with my son, our neighbors and local store owners, my own face. I think I look better with a mask on. Also I like to convey emotion with my eyes and eyebrows
Do you ever send yourself an email, like a reminder or an important note, and two seconds later when your phone dings or you see an icon that you have a new email, you say, "Oooh, a new email, I wonder who that is?" And then you open the email
Do you ever get one of those colds where you have so much congestion in your head that it's hard to hold your head up? Like I've been resting my head on my desk for the past thirty minutes just because it was too heavy. I'm actually going to stay
Heading out for an afternoon snack soon. Not sure if I should get a crepe or ice cream. Maybe both. These are the challenging decisions I have to make every day. Crippling really. Going for a crepe, I think. Yep, with chocolate syrup. Think I made the right choice.
Yesterday I came down with a scratchy throat so I did what many of us have to do these days. I bought a bunch of COVID tests. First one yesterday night was negative. Hmmm, but maybe it was because my symptoms had just started. Next one this morning. Also negative.
There's a tickle in my throat. Am I getting sick or is the air just dry? I just sneezed. Getting sick or is there dust in the air? I am fatigued. Getting sick or just didn't sleep well last night? So many questions. So few answers. Better just go eat
We think we found a new house to move to but we haven't signed the lease yet. We are in negotiations. But we're packing. We're going someplace this next week. We will move into our storage unit if we have it. The storage unit actually is a good size. Gets
I can't stop sharing my personal feelings and emotions. I just have to get things off my chest. I can't keep anything inside, even with strangers. I share all the most intimate details of my life with the checkout cashier at the supermarket. Yes, I know I am living in
Can we just all agree no more dishes? It's too much. The constant scrubbing, rinsing, leaning down to put items in the dishwasher. We're just going to throw the food on the table and then afterwards take the table outside and spray it off with a hose. That's all I
I have trouble staying positive when I get stressed. I get negative. I lose my temper. I swear more. But instead I need to stand up straight and say, "I can do this! I believe in myself! I am a positive person! Everything will be fine. Negativity, get the hell
Although I was never very proficient with making friends even as a child. Since we were homeschooled we didn't meet many people outside of our "community." Of course, it goes without saying my best friend was Jesus Christ. But he was very popular. Everyone wanted to hang out with him.
Should we stay here in Begur for another year? Should we move to Barcelona to be among the cool, young people in Gracia? Should we sell all our belongings and buy a camper van and travel around Spain? Or maybe I should go back to school and train to be
I've been working on it the past few months. Eating lots of chocolate croissants. Munching on lots of potato chips. Having at least one gelato a day to keep those all-important lactose levels high. Doing lots of lounging too. People won't be able to look away when I rip my
1. Wake up late. 2. Forget that it's Mother's Day. Blame it on being sick for the past 3 days and fact that you are living outside US so you weren't bombarded with ads everywhere. 3. Run with son to local smoke shop/bodega to find a card for your
I've had the flu the past few days and in that time I've watched: > Kindergarten Cop > Junior > The Rock > Gone In 60 Seconds > Con Air As I write out these titles, I realize that apparently I just need Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nicholas Cage to help me. Thanks, Arnie and Nic,
If your neck hurts and is causing you some trouble, you could go to a chiropractor or physical therapist. Or you could just lift up a heavy object and hurt another part of your back, causing an even bigger injury. That way, you won't really think much about your first
I was thinking today about how I am too old for the best writers under 30 list and best writers under 40 list. I'll never make those. But maybe I can make the best writers under 80, if I live that long. Anyways, something to shoot for.
It was thrilling. Our town has an old castle (more like a fort) where everyone used to flee when invaders or pirates would come. I needed some exercise so I went up the road to the castle this morning. I pretended I was being chased by invaders. "Run, run," I
The other day my son made me buzz his daycare door and go back into his daycare to retrieve an imaginary tiny dog because he had forgotten it. I obliged, of course. I mean, I didn't know it was an imaginary tiny dog at first, I thought he had forgotten
We are looking for an apartment in Barcelona or a house in Begur. The rental market in both places is challenging. At this point a tent will do. As long as the tent has heating and indoor plumbing we are fine with it. There is nothing I love more than
Do you ever have days when you just feel depleted? Empty. And even eating a bag of chips and five double chocolate caramel ice cream bars don't cheer you up? And instead you're lying on the couch holding your stomach and moaning? And for some reason you downloaded Nicholas Cage's
I didn't think I spent that much time looking down at my phone, but according to my neck I absolutely do. Now my neck is refusing to hold my head up. "I tried," my neck says. "But you cared more about reading 'Ask Amy' in The Washington Post than your
It's makes me look like I've been up to something important. Maybe I'm working on an invention that will change the world. Maybe I'm working on a great novel. Maybe I'm studying ancient texts looking for wisdom. Nope, just staying up past my bedtime watching countless animal videos on Instagram
Yesterday we saw seven apartments in Barcelona. We walked back and forth on Diagonal, seeing apartments in Eixample and Sant Gervasi and Gracia. The sun was beating down on us, and for lunch we only had time to eat some olives. We were tired, and not seeing apartments that we
I knew being a parent would be challenging and difficult at times but I didn't know how much time I'd spend being worried and scared for my son's safety. Like when he sleeps through the night in his own bed. I mean, what's up with that, son? Our bed isn't
What's the normal amount of time to think about death? Once a day? Or a week? Or a month? I'm not obsessed with it. Just sometimes I think about it when I'm lying in bed awake at 3am or I'm standing in line at the post office or I read
After going to bed late, I woke up early at 6am. Now the prudent, wise, and mature thing would have been to just get out of bed and start my day, even if I did feel tired. You know, be productive. Eat breakfast. Work out. Do the laundry. Any of
I used to pray every day. I used to read the Bible every day. When I converted to Catholicism in college, I used to go to mass every day. Religion was a big part of my life. Even now I sometimes find myself saying the Act of Contrition at random
Going west is okay because we just wake up earlier and go to bed earlier. Coming back east is harder. My son refuses to go to sleep before midnight. Meanwhile I can't go to sleep before 2am. Then we wake up at 10am and rush my son to daycare. After
We are currently looking for an apartment in Barcelona. Finding a place to live is such a fun process. You look at a few pictures online and then go to the apartment where you spend maybe fifteen minutes. Based on this, you're supposed to agree to live in a place
I am cat-trapped. Ever since we returned from our trip, our cats have taken every chance to they can to sit on our laps. Hammy, one of our cats, is on my lap now. Obviously, I can't get up. I can't make lunch, go to the bathroom, or answer the
We've just arrived back from the US to our home in Spain with our six bags of luggage-yes, thank you, I know, too many. Some people have the discipline and fortitude to unpack almost immediately after home from a trip. Those people are truly brave. Others, like ourselves, need to
I was at a wedding last weekend and, of course, I was on the dance floor. Where else would I be? I noticed that many of the songs--the best ones at least, the ones that everyone wanted to dance to--were breakup songs. Like this one [https://www.youtube.com/watch?
I look forward to bed for many reasons but one of the biggest is that I get to wear my cashmere pajamas. They are so cozy and warm, yet light and breathable. And they were an incredible deal. I couldn't find them the other night and I panicked. Where were
The best Easters I had were when I went to Vigil Mass Saturday evening at St. Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan. Afterwards I went out with my friends Austin and Marian and got very drunk. I mean, I never intended to get drunk. It just happened. One drink at a time.
When you're here just for a few days, you think, "Oh wow, what a fun place to be!" So many good restaurants, museums, shows, and smart and talented people. You think, "It must be great to live here." And then you move here and you can't walk down the sidewalk
I like peace and quiet. Too much loud noise and traffic bothers me. I don't like driving at night. I love going to bed at 9pm. In a crowded restaurant or bar, I have trouble hearing what people are saying. I am often confused. My vision is bad. I'm afraid
New York is fun for kids because there is always construction. When I moved here in 2003 I thought, "Wow, there is a lot of construction at the moment. I wonder when it will be done." I soon realized the answer is never, it will never be done. Is that
We had to get a last minute hotel room in NYC because friends we were going to stay with unfortunately got COVID (feel better, friends). So we booked a hotel room for $200. It wasn't the cheapest room and it certainly wasn't the most expensive room. But I forgot that
What's it like flying long distances with a toddler? people ask us. Well, the first and most important question you have to ask is, "Does the airplane have in-flight entertainment and if so do they have the Paw Patrol movie? If the answer is yes, and you have headphones for
Approach people warily. From a distance check to see if they've started to initiate some type of greeting, like open arms for a hug. If so, try to run the other direction. If you cannot elude them, smile at them. If you cannot remember their name say, "Hey, dude," no
I was at a cocktail party last night with loud music and lots of people who I didn't know. I was looking at all those people talking and laughing with each other and I thought to myself, "Do I even know how to have fun anymore?" Before, when I was
Do you ever send an email to yourself--like a note or a reminder that you want in your inbox--and two seconds after sending you get a ding or alert or notice you have new mail and you say to yourself, "Hey, I got new mail. I wonder what it is.
I need some caffeine. Coffee, which I love, gives me acid reflux. Black or green tea also give me acid reflux. (I have a fun life.) So Coca-Cola is the next best thing. But there is no Coca-Cola in this hotel room. What kind of a hotel room doesn't have
Sometimes when I wonder if I've progressed at all in my life, I realize that I no longer live in a building where people experiencing homeless would go to the bathroom in the stairwell. I mean, I felt bad for them. They didn't have a good place to stay the
A few days ago on our plane ride to Los Angeles, during which my son was having a exhaustion-induced meltdown, a woman on the plane told me I was a good father. "You are so patient with him," she said. "I know," I said. "I'm pretty amazing." "I remember how
I've tried to block out religiously embarrassing moments from my memory, but sometimes I remember that I once gave a sermon at my small fundamentalist evangelical church when I was fifteen. The pastor was on vacation and things were desperate. There was no backup pastor. Who could possibly give a
What happens after you travel for twenty-fours straight from Barcelona to New York to Los Angeles and just as you are drifting off to sleep in your hotel room, your son, who managed a few long sleeps during the travel, starts to jump on you. "Seriously? Seriously?" "Please stop." "For
7:30am - Leave for Barcelona airport. 9am - Arrive at airport, check-in, and go through security. 10:30am - Look for a cute top to buy at Zara to show off my abs. It's almost summer, baby! 12pm - Board plane. Set up son he can watch "Paw Patrol:
We have weddings to go to back in los estados unidos (I'm sorry, I'm so fluent in Spanish that I forgot how to say USA) but I just don't feel like traveling. Tapas de Begur is opening up this weekend and I just don't think it's right to abandon them
The trick to falling asleep is not to try to fall asleep. You can't will yourself to sleep. You just have to let go. Think about anything else except falling asleep. Think about what you did today, your to-do list tomorrow, the fact that you once believed God created the
I mean, sure, sure, good for plants and trees and flowers. But what about me? Where's my sunshine? Where are my blue skies? Where are my carefree days lying in the sunflowers with my shirt off getting suntanned while I sip on my Albariño scrolling through the Internet trying to
I'm not sure why. I haven't watched the show. My favorite one is when Rue says to Cassie: “Wait, I don’t understand. If you’re not auditioning for Oklahoma, then why do you look like that?” It's a show about high schoolers. But these high schoolers were obviously not
I don't want to work a traditional job, even remotely. I don't want a boss. I don't want to...work. Ugh. I want to be a boss. Well, sort of. I just want to stay at home and do the laundry and dishes and plan meals. I know that's work
For me facial tissues are the ultimate luxury item. Forgent Birkin Bags. Forget Hermes scarves. Forget the Gucci belt. (Okay, I can't live without my Gucci belt). Tissues were always in short supply growing up. We blew our noses on toilet paper or rough paper towels. No, thank you. I
"I mean, just consider this," I say to my wife. "With Gold Status, I'll earn more miles on qualifying flights. Plus my MQMs I earn above my medallion qualification tier will roll over into the new year giving me a jumpstart on earning status again." "Fascinating," my wife says. "And
Other times I say, "Wow, we haven't even scratched the surface of my problems. I'm going to need to go to therapy for the rest of my life. And that probably won't be enough." Thanks, childhood. Now I just have to figure out how to send a bill to my
Is there anything else left to teach him after this? Does he even need us anymore? He's going to be going to college soon now, right? My job here is done. Come back and visit us sometime.
1) Getting out of bed. 2) Doing the Elmo slide with my son. 3) Sitting down on a couch. The last one was the worst. I pinched a nerve somehow. I had to lie down on the ground for a few hours. But it's okay, my son jumped on my
We're going to go live in Adventure Bay with Ryder and his pups. I'm not going alone. My wife and son are coming too. In Adventure Bay, Ryder and his pups solve any problems that come their way. A car crash, or one of Mayor Humdinger's crazy plans, or even
In the morning as I'm waking up, there's a time where I am aware I'm sleeping but also not fully awake. In that stage of sleep/wakefulness I do a lot of serious thinking. This morning I was wondering if there was an afterlife, and whether on my deathbed I
When we woke up this morning, my wife asked my son what he dreamt about last night. "Airplanes and airports," he said. "Which airport?" she said. "Barcelona airport," he said. "Oooh, exciting," I said. I dreamt I was in my hometown of Middletown, Pennsylvania, and I was helping my sister
It's been cloudy and rainy here in Spain since we returned from Germany. This is not what I agreed to when we decided to move to Spain. I expect sunshine and blue skies at nearly all times. Okay, it can rain for a day or two but not for more
A couple of weeks after the birth of the our son she just casually mentioned that we might have another child in the future. I couldn't believe it. I mean, yeah, we should have another kid. But don't you remember what happened? Don't you remember how much blood there was?
I really only like my son. Other children are just kind of shitty. I mean not all, there are a few that I like. But mostly they are really just boring and uninteresting. "C'mon, be more entertaining," I say to other children (not my son). "You're going to have to
When it's cold outside I just don't see the point of going into a house that doesn't take heating seriously. And to my mind there is no other way to take heating seriously except for heated floors. I have standards now. Yes, I know I live in Spain. I know
My sabbatical is over. I need money. And my writing isn't making me any money. Yet. The question is: what job will still allow me to have two hour lunches? I moved to Spain for a more relaxed, simple lifestyle. I need money but I'm not going to give up
In the Austrian Alps you either ski or don't ski. Unless you are under six years old and want to learn how to ski. In this case you can go to ski school. But if you want to go up to the mountains, up the gondola, you better know how
My parents didn't like to ever use the word "s-x" around us. Even when we were older. And when you homeschool your children, how are you going to teach them about s-x when you can't even say the word? I have an idea. Just ignore it. Hope it will go
As I was growing up in Pennsylvania, my mother once said she "didn't see the point of traveling to Europe." Maybe that's why at sixteen I planned a trip to Europe by myself. When I came home from this trip after eating delicious croissants and visiting the Louvre in Paris
When I don't understand what people are saying in Spanish to me, I usually just say, "Si, si." It's not a good habit. They could be saying things like: "You are stupid, aren't you?" "Do you know that you have food all over your face and you look like an
Flying is magical. I love being up in the air inside a remarkable piece of engineering and construction. I'm also afraid of heights. So when I think too much about it my stomach drops. I go back and forth. Flying is so fun. Oh my God we're going to die.
How do you like to feel alive? Some people like listening to music, looking at artwork, or to be in nature. Not us. We like to leave for the airport with barely enough time to catch our flight and go to the wrong terminal and spend twenty euros to get
Nope. Our cats are the best. We love them so much. They are the sweetest, kindest, cuddliest cats you could ever want. Our cats are the best. None can compare. None. But I do need to get up from where I'm sitting and get some things done. Seriously, my leg
1. Seeing a bit of ankle when the object of your desire lifts up their long denim skirt an inch or two. 2. A bare elbow when you're at a I Kissed Dating Goodbye conference and your crush lifts their hands to praise God during the worship service and their
If we are having a fight, I try to solve the Wordle as early in the day as possible, and then use that word in our conversation as much as possible. Sometimes I just leave that word written on a post-it around the house--on the front door, fridge, mirror in
Back when I thought my soul would be damned to hell for eternity for not going to mass, I forced myself to go. Sometimes the routine was nice. And, generally, I like Catholic churches. They are beautiful. Especially with the candles, statues, artwork, and Gregorian chant, if you're lucky. And
Before I became a parent, I had no idea how much I'd be vomited on, peed on, and, occasionally, pooped on. People weren't like, "Hey congratulations on becoming a parent, one day when you're exhausted and just want to take a nap your child is going to vomit in your
When I was a teenager and a Christian, and believed there was a God who cared about what one teenager living in Pennsylvania in the late 1990's did, I fasted on Fridays. I thought that fasting would make me holy. I thought I'd become closer to God. I thought, if
She flew in from the East Coast last night. She is very high maintenance. She demands everything be perfect and to her exact liking. She only wants to eat at the best and fanciest restaurants. She demands that only the most attractive Spanish men fawn over her. She only wants
I feel like I've completely lost ability to concentrate on one task. It was bad before the pandemic but when we had to work full-time and watch our son when the daycare closed, I lost whatever focusing abilities I had after being constantly interrupted every few minutes. When we were
When she doesn't tell me I have nose hairs sticking out. Yesterday, for example, there was a massive, very long, scraggly nose hair coming out of my right nostril. I'm not sure how I could have missed it. But my wife was looking at me, more or less, all day.
Do they exist? Probably. But most people I know who were homeschooled are one or more of following: 1) Grumpy; 2) Unhappy; 3) Depressed; 4) Not talking to their parents; 5) Living far from their parents; 6) Not religious. 7) Never going to homeschool their children if they have children.
Why is everyone so obsessed with it? Has anyone actually read it? I wasn't allowed to watch PG-13 or R rated movies when I was a kid but I could read the Bible. There is war, incest, adultery, erotica, violence. At one point in the Book of Exodus, the Lord
The world is crazy. All I can say is today is that I have a nice, purring cat sitting in my lap. Others are not so lucky. That's all I got for today.
I've been doing pushups for a few days now, and I'm still not buff yet. Why is that? I've done like ten pushups a day. They were really hard. And they were real pushups. My chest almost touched the ground. I got real low. Man, it was hard to push
My son got sick a few days ago. Which is not fun for him or us--since he's not sleeping well. When he gets sick, I think, maybe I won't get sick. Maybe I'll be okay if I wash my hands often and make sure I don't share any food or
Day 1 Me: Today's Wordle was hard today. I got it in six tries. My wife: It was a little bit hard. I got it in five. Day 2 Me: Okay, so the Wordle was still hard today. I got it in five. My wife: I got it in four
Alexander Hamilton, aka Hammy, our beloved cat, is missing. When we returned from our trip to Paris we couldn't find him. He is allowed to roam outside in the backyard, and our cat sitter said he had seen him earlier that day. But he did not come home that night.
8am-8:45am - Wake up, eat breakfast with my son. Listen to Paw Patrol soundtrack. Get him ready to go to school. 9am - 9:45am - Study Spanish. Pretend I know what my Spanish professor is telling me. Just say, "Si, si, si, si, si," and hope for the
My father is an emotional enigma. At home he was quiet, reserved, mild-mannered, more of a question-asker than a question-answerer, with occasional bursts of pent-up anger. At my sports games he would come alive. He would pace up and down the sidelines at my soccer games and behind the dugout
We are in Paris this week. Everytime I come to France I am reminded about ten years ago when I was staying in Strasbourg, France for a couple months. I had quit my job in New York and I was traveling around. One night I went out for beers with
We are in France this week. Paris, to be exact, the capital of France. We went to this one bistro today for lunch and my wife ordered the steak tartare. We both love steak as we've ordered steaks many times from the Kansas City Steak Company and we had heard
We got along so well growing up. One night when I was twelve I was in our bedroom trying to go to sleep on our bunk beds. I was sad, my cat had just died. My brother was trying to sleep in the bunk above me. I started crying. "Shut
I think I have time to do things. So I scroll through Instagram, the devil's playground. And then the deadline approaches. Out of nowhere. Shit. LIke this post for instance. I should have written it hours ago. But now I have to go pick up my son from school in
They are not vaccinated against Covid-19, for religious reasons. When I spoke to my mom about it, they said they were keeping in good health and taking "pre-cautionary measures." She didn't say what those were but they are also anti-mask, so maybe Ivermectin. It's frustrating because they are getting older
For someone who wants to be a writer, I'm not especially good at telling stories. I can oftentimes embellish a written story. But telling a story in conversation is hard for me. I don't share enough small but significant details. I'm like, "I went to the grocery store today and
We drove out to a religious revival in Ohio and stayed in a camper van. I was with my pastor's family. One night, after a high energy worship hour, the preacher that evening was walking around the stage and crowd, speaking in tongues and pushing people on their forehead. After
It's not a big deal. It's fine. The crackers she got are fine. It doesn't bother me. I can be happy with the saltines she got. They are certainly not buttery delicious crackers which go really well with cream cheese, but really, it's not that big a deal. I mean,
My brother went too. He hated it. He started a fire and tried to burn the camp down. I mean, maybe it was an accident. He was helping in the kitchen, and he left a pot on the stove with the burner on. The hired chef was making out with
When I was a child my mom would always have to tell my dad to give his mother a call. My dad doesn't like calling or texting anyone. It didn't help that my grandmother was going deaf, and refused to get hearing aids, and so he'd have to shout into
If I say, "Hey, babe, here's an interesting show that you might like," she says, "Ehh." If NPR critic Glen Weldon says, "Hey listeners, there's this show that I recommend watching," my wife says, "Ooooh, hey babe, Glen Weldon likes this show and we should totally watch it! Let's watch
I don't know why. Nothing bad happened. I mean, I was constantly told that I was inherently sinful and going to hell unless I repented and asked Jesus into my heart. When I cried my brothers told me to shut up. When I tried to make friends kids would laugh
I'm going to need to stay in these cashmere pajamas for a while longer. The wind is howling outside and it's freezing inside. Here in my town in Spain they even have a name for this wind--Tramuntana. The temperature is in the mid-to-low double digits but emotionally it feels like
Like, what did I do growing up? Anything? Here's what I remember. 1. I was homeschooled. 2. We went to church every Sunday. 3. We lived in a duplex next door to the pastor of the church and his family. 4. The daughter in that family, Amanda, was my best
I have a cold. Probably the beginning of a brain tumor. My stomach hurts. Stomach cancer. I'm constipated. Cancer. My leg hurts. Leg cancer. Sore throat. Esophageal cancer. Headache. Brain tumor has progressed. I think, "Maybe I should write about being scared of cancer, and that will help me put
My wife in morning [singing]: We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no My son in the morning [singing]: We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no My wife mid-morning [singing]: It was my wedding day My son mid-morning [singing]: It was our wedding day My wife at lunch [singing]
My son said that when he is big, my wife and I will be babies and he will have to feed us and help put our shoes on. "Pretty accurate," my wife says. True, but based on that theory there will probably be a point when we are the same
Sometimes when you sit down at the old sewing table that you are using as a desk you don't have anything to write. You feel empty. You look outside the window at the laundry drying in the sun and try to think of something to say. You think, Why am
Some people find hotels impersonal. Or cold or sterile. But I would love to live in a hotel. I love shiny clean bathtubs. I love having my bed made and room cleaned (who doesn't?) every day. I love ordering room service and being charged $30 for a burger. I love
I've been studying for a few months now. But I still can't understand what people are saying to me. I've been doing Babbel app almost every day. Sometimes I watch Paw Patrol in Spanish with my son. I should be able to talk more in Spanish than I do. have
We've run out of topics to talk about. We do discuss our son occasionally, but we've gotten into a good routine. We discussed everything else about our lives and past and hopes and dreams and future during the pandemic where we've not spent one day apart. Not one day. Not
Church is boring. Both Catholic and Protestant. When I admitted this I felt much better. Sermons and homilies, unless is the speaker is especially gifted, are boring. Incense, borning. Worship songs, especially boring. Praying for people, boring. Going to confession (when I was Catholic), weird plus boring. Gregorian chant plus
Our therapist is named Jules. It's on Zoom. I'm too grumpy so that's why we started therapy. My would ask me how I'm doing and I would say, "Bleerg, everything is terrible." I would say this when I'm sitting on the beach, the sun shining, my son playing happily, my
Recently I was driving by myself one afternoon searching to see if I could get a booster shot. My wife had our son. I realized after a few hours away from my wife and son that if they weren't there to fill my days I wouldn't have anyone to hang
If I want to get my thoughts organized or come up with ideas or solve a problem, I go for a walk in nature. When I lived in New York City, I'd walk past a few trees on the sidewalk and hoped that would be enough. Here in Spain I
Her name was Sophie. We were both homeschooled. She had a gummy smile. She was quiet and poetic. She had a pet bird. We took homeschool biology together and used to study together at her house. We created flash cards and quizzed each other. In December one day after studying,
I'm scared of dying. Scared of getting cancer. Scared of getting dementia. Scared of snakes. Scared of too much sun. Scared of horses. Scared of too little sun. Scared that the police will find the body I buried in the backyard of the house I used to live at. Scared
In my twenties I used to go for long Sunday walks in Brooklyn. I'd wake up late, maybe hungover, maybe not, look at my bank account to make sure I could afford breakfast and go get a bagel and coffee. Afterwards, I'd start walking. I'd go past the brownstones and
I used to dread Sundays. "Why have I done this to myself?" I'd ask. "Why am I stuck in this job? What kind of idiot am I? What am I doing with my life? Aaaaaaaaaagh." My cats would look at me, sit down on my lap, and purr. "Okay, I
I haven't read enough in the past couple years. Sure, I was trying to survive a global pandemic, but for someone who wants to be a writer, I've barely read anything. I've been too jealous to read books. How did this person publish a book? I'm happy for them, of
I though naps were too short for dreams. So why when I close my eyes for a so-called power nap, do I see myself floating in space, thinking about how one day I'll be dead. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day I will die. I'll be gone.
I don't know how to write about my family. I want to write about my childhood but I'm scared. I want to write about being homeschooled for my entire childhood education, growing up in a small fundamentalist Christian church, about how my father, who has no emotions except anger, went
We went on a ski trip in the Pyrenees. We wanted to get our son a ski lesson since it's his first time but they said he was too young to learn how to ski. "What's the point in trying to teach him?" they said. Okaaay. So we took him
My son loves playgrounds. He loves slides. He loves swings. He loves small forts. He loves see saws. He loves it all. I try to remember the last time I was a kid and I enjoyed playing. I remember on my 12th birthday throwing the ball with my dad and
Today we went to Calella de Palafrugell. If I said to picture a perfect Mediterranean cove, this would be it. White houses line the shore. The sun glints off the clear water. People sunbathe. So do I. In January I like to sunbathe nude. But I was homeschooled so nude
I always sort of considered myself good-humored and easy going, but that was all a mask. I was just ignoring my wants and not stating my desires and needs because I didn't like conflict and was a people-pleaser. Now I'm grumpy. People ask me how I'm doing. "Terrible," I say.
We have a ski trip planned in the next few days. Do I remember how to ski? Will I fall down?Is skiing something that comes back to you? We are going up to the Pyrenees, about two hours away. Taking a ski trip mid-week feels indulgent. Am I allowed
In homeschool high school instead of trying to date girls and play video games, I read Dostoevsky and tried to become a saint. I was obsessed with the Jesus Prayer. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. I said it over and over again. I read a book
I'm exploring my past lives. My name was Theo. I was a tabby. I took long morning naps until noon. At 4am in the night I would scratch my owner's face because I was hungry. His name was Oscar. We lived in Nice, France. I would go out the window
What's the point of going outside? I know nature is supposed to be amazing and everything and sure, trees and flowers are beautiful, but is it more beautiful that a bed and cozy down comforter? One of the hard things about living abroad in a beautiful country is when you're
One Sunday when I was eleven I heard a sermon about hell that terrified me. I believed the pastor was talking directly to me. God, displeased with my life, might strike me down at any moment. He totally cared what an eleven-year-old boy who like to play with Lego sets
I want to curl up with my cats on the bed and watch 80's action comedy movies. But I guess I should do things, like clean the kitchen and unload the dishwasher and go shopping for dinner and take care of my son and feed my cats and go save
I ate snails for lunch today. I first tried them five years ago, and I couldn't believe how tasty they were. Typically I'd be turned away from the texture from something like a snail but it's surspringly tender and when cooked with salt and garlic I find them delicious. Sometimes
We slept in until 9:45am today. By we I mean my son and I. It was unexpected. My wife woke earlier, but she stayed in bed looking at Instagram and reading a novel. We haven't slept in that late since before my son was born. When we woke up
Our house cleaner is coming at 1pm, and so we need to find a place to eat lunch in town. I suggest a restaurant in town that has a pretty good chicken curry, although they don't bring much rice. We asked for extra rice last time and got a thimble
Today Spain is celebrating Kings' Day. Last night our town had a parade, which had two of my son's favorite things: horses and trains. There were four horses, a band of drummers, and many people dressed up as kings (with some very unfortunately in blackface [https://travelnoire.com/spains-controversial-annual-blackface-three-kings-parade] ), as
Why am I so afraid all the time? What did my parents do to me? We were taught not to trust the outside world. We rarely had friends over. Sometimes church friends, that was it. We were in our own little world. Sometimes I am brave. When I traveled to
I see my cat sitting on our bed. I go up to him. "You are the cutest little tiger and I love you so much," I say. "Oh you are just the sweetest little kitty cat. Oh, I love you so much. You are just the sweetest little baby cat.
It's 1am and I can't fall asleep. We just returned from Los Angeles a few days ago, and the jet lag is brutal. I close my eyes to trick myself into going to sleep. "No," my brain says. "No, it's not time. Let's think about when you were fifteen at
O how I love you, Magnum Double Caramel Ice Cream Bars. O how I adore you. You are so delicious. Madagascan vanilla bean ice cream dipped in a smooth caramel sauce and then dipped (yes, that's a total of two dips) into Belgian milk chocolate. I bite into the cracking
It’s sunny with blue skies here in Spain after cold winter rain. I’m sitting in the back patio of Can Pol wearing my winter jacket eating a mini-bocadillo and drinking agua con gas (sparkling water, for those who don’t hablan español). I’ve just walked my son